I can't say I'll make it a Habit

I don't ever feel like I have much to write about, but I want to write. I feel that I am getting lost in time. I am over 5 years into my "career" but don't really feel it as much as I used to. And honestly, I don't know if there is anything out there that I'd want to do for 30 years of my life. I cannot seem to believe that this life is what we are meant for. Call it mystical, call it crazy, call it dumb, but I just cannot seem to make myself believe that we spend the first 22 years of life getting educated, the next 30-40 working, and the last 10+ dying. I am unable to wrap my brain around the concept that we, as humans, are here for this purpose and this purpose only. Maybe its my "human ego", maybe other animals feel the same way, I guess I wish I could know...about that at least.

But then I cannot say I 100% believe in God or a greater power anymore...The world, and life seems too cruel and mean at times for me to be certain of at least a power or creator that cares. And maybe I am just ranting...and maybe I am just a little bit scared that this is all there is.

It is like I forgot how to write...

I thought I was already past my quarter life crisis…jeez I am almost 29 years old. Alas, I seem to be in it more than ever. The things in my life are moving fast, slow only compared to the actual days of my life as they go by. I feel that the 30 years we work goes by in fast forward while the 20 years before work go slowly and the years after work slower still. I can’t get some things right. After years of practice I wake up and it’s like I’ve never done them or experienced them before. I try to do what I think is right, it ends up being further from right than even what is wrong. I am lost in many ways, and found in others. I know where I am, I have a good idea of who I am, but other than that what I know is about as reliable as betting on the Detroit Lions to win the superbowl. It is cold, dark and I am alone. I can’t find the light switch, let alone the thermostat. Each day differs from the one before, but once a day has been lived it all starts to blur together. Yeah, it’s February 1, 2009 and it feels like it should be Thanksgiving 08. I am being forced to live in the past at where I work, and the people who need me outside are living in the present, and that is making for an interesting future. I am not sure where the future will take me; I am just hoping to remember to board the train.

The 2/21/2008 Manifesto

I am constantly struggling to keep all the things going on in my life in order. It’s been a challenge, especially since settling into my new home during the last year and half, starting a new job, and getting married. Tons of big life changes have occurred all the while my responsibilities in life, in person and in work have doubled, or tripled. I used to think these transitions would be just that, temporary times of change. I have come to an understanding with myself that my life will be made up of these transitions, and I just have to be okay with it happening. What this means is letting go of some things…hobbies, habits, activities and relationships. Letting go can be difficult, but I realize I am not able to hold on to everything.

This is not to say I am not happy. I am probably more content and happy with my life now than I have been for the past few years. I have a loving wife, I enjoy my job, I have great friends, I live in an amazing place, and I get to see my family a heck of a lot more than I have in the last 10 years. With this happiness I have been attempting to prioritize the things in my life that I do not want to let go. That takes some time, and that means shifting the way I think about life. That means changing my behaviors. I am changing the way I work to be more productive but not work the average of 55-60 hours a week (my profession’s standard, which is ridiculous). I am changing the way I live (cutting back of the mind wasters of TV, junk food). I am changing the way I deal with people (forcing myself to contact friends, family, take time away from work to visit friends and family). I am changing the way I spend my time (reading more, writing more, pursuing my passions). And through all this I am hopefully learning what life means to me.

Why do I write about this you ask? Well, I believe that there is more to life than what we see on TV, read in magazines or are told at work. I believe that life is what we make of it, and that we must only work to live, and live to learn. I believe that we as individuals must take a stand in our own lives and demand more than what TV, our government, and corporations let us have. It is our time to take control of our lives and our world and stop living the lives of zombies. We must work against the prevailing images and model the way for our fellow humans regardless of what is thrown at us. We must create the world in which we want to live, and not the world in which others create for us.

It is Never Too Late to Get Started

It’s been a while. I know. I really do not know if I am going to keep this up. It seems as more days go by, the less motivated I am to do some of the things that I once loved. I never really wrote on here much, so I guess it is not the worst thing that could happen. However, it has always been nice to feel a part of something bigger than myself. What that thing is, I am not really sure, but looking at my sidebar and seeing the links of the people whose sites I read, and who I feel that I really know (well, a couple of them I known pretty well from other times in my life) makes me feel some sense of community, despite the thousands of miles, country barriers, and life barriers that exist outside of the internet. What exactly am I saying? I am not sure. I know that having this blog has been an amazing experience. I have gotten to interact and to know people I would have never had the opportunity to even run into in this life.

I’ve been thinking a lot about community. And I mean a lot. I live in a place where community is something with a gate and cookie cutter houses. A community is something that has a trademark sign at the end of it. A community is something that has a name like “Mountain’s Edge” or “Villas at Sunrise Mountain”. A community is something with street names like Wavering Lilly. There is no sense of a true human community where I live. People work odd hours; front doors are not close to other front doors. There are no porches. It is a strange place. And really, in the broadest since, this place is America. While I don’t live in the most representative place in America, I live in a place that America strives to be. A place where the individual is what matters most. Consumption is the end goal and hedonism reigns supreme. The sick thing is that could describe almost any city in the country.

Do not get me wrong. I may sound like I hate this place, but I do not. There are signs of life among the crazy. There are real people here. People in need of other people, but we must fight the culture to see it. It is not in our faces, it’s hidden beyond the marble façade and neon lights. You can see it the faces of people when you’ve found one of its hiding spots. You can hear it in the music that floats through the smoke filled air of some strip mall tavern. It is here, but it will be one hell of a battle to get it out in the open for those who live here to see. Instead of some trademarked gated community, we may actually be okay with other people needing others like them. Because when it all comes down to it, people cry when the old (yet young) 48 year old establishment is torn down. Not because of what it is, but because of who was there. Words may have never been spoken between two long time patrons, but that bond was there, and if they wanted to speak they could. Now, with their gathering place gone, where can they go, who can they see that they might speak to? Or at least know that there will be someone there to speak to, if they really want to.

Will it ever end?

This year, more so than any of the past eight years, I am angry on this day. I don’t show anger very often; most people I know well have never seen me angry. But today, I am angry as I write this.

Of course, like the rest of the US, I am horrified about the events at Virginia Tech. My horror goes beyond that of just the deaths, but the fact that this happened on a college campus, it happened in my world, the world of higher education. I don’t like the loss of innocent life in the US. I don’t like the loss of innocent life ANYWHERE.

What I am most angry about is our blame game. We as a society, as a culture, are blaming the shooter. We’ve been blaming the shooter in every one of these cases. It is not wrong to blame the shooter. Of course, this person or persons committed the acts. I understand this. But what drives them to commit these acts? Mental illness? Yes, but the deeper reasons are in our society, or culture. We Americans perpetuate this violence, and this consumerism.

------------------------------

I cannot believe its been eight years. Eight years.

Of all of the days during my first year of college, this day, eight years ago, I remember like it was yesterday. I still remember the feeling in my stomach. I still remember watching the horror on the faces of people around me. I remember my roommate not being able to get a hold of his girlfriend, a student at Columbine. I remember not being able to get in touch with either of my parents, both employees at other local area schools. I remember the tears streaming from my neighbor's eyes as she saw her high school, and her old classmates, whom she left only a year before, shattered.

We cannot forget what happened at Columbine, or what happened in Jonesboro, or Paducah, Red Lake or now Blacksburg.

It amazes me that nothing has changed. We can still purchase assault rifles down the street, bullies still roam the halls of our schools (and our government), kids are still shooting kids. It makes me frightful of the future. But there is still hope. There is always hope.

These names will remain in our hearts forever:
Cassie Bernall, Steven Curnow, Corey DePooter, Kelly Fleming, Matthew Ketcher, Daniel Mauser, Daniel Rohrbough, Dave Sanders, Rachel Scott, Isiah Shoals, John Tomlin, Lauren Townsend, Kyle Velasquez.

A Brief Reflection on Adulthood

This being an adult nonsense is not all it is cracked up to be. I never wanted to be an adult; I really wanted to stay about 10 years old, just because it was fun. For whatever reason the age of 10 years old has been magical for me, and it has been a pretty constant thought of mine that I would like to be 10 again. Honestly though, if I had the chance to be a kid again I don’t know if I would take it. Unless, of course, I was able to relive my entire life and end up where I am now. I’ve spoken many times with Jenn and my brother about the struggles of adulthood. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand that we have it better off than a lot of other people, but I guess what I am the most disappointed with, is that so far adulthood is not as great as it was made out to be. That is a trend though. When I was around 12 years old watching Saved by the Bell I thought that high school was going to be great. Well, it wasn’t anything like STB and it was actually a pretty crappy experience save a few friends and co-curricular activities.

Reflection on life, however, is a definite benefit to this adulthood thing. There is no way that I could reflect about being a kid, or being a teenager while I was going through those experiences. And I am pretty sure I’d not want to give up my ability to reflect on the past in order to experience the past again. Recently I finished two books that are descriptions of childhood, both of them by Ray Bradbury. Dandelion Wine and the sequel Farewell Summer both deal with the summer of 1928 in Green Town, IL as experienced by a set of brothers. The books are both great reads that, unlike actual childhood, provide a little reflection about childhood thanks to Ray Bradbury’s writing style. But then, reflection can add more stress or frustration with life. Without reflection, would we be able to consider our own mortality? Would we ever think about the impending death of the Sun with anything but curiosity?

I understand that this is, in fact, life, and struggle, frustration and challenge is a big part to what life is all about.

2007 Musings

I know that I’ve been scarce the last few months. I will place the blame on my new job, my move across the country and other fun things. I want to write more, I really do. I don’t have New Year’s Resolutions, but I think the closest I can come to one is to write more…now that may not be more writing on here, just more writing in general.

At the end of each year (or beginning as it was) I always seem to have the same feeling. Its not quite depression, but it’s a little close. I cannot quite explain the “sinking” feeling in my stomach, and I am not really sure what it really means. I am not afraid of getting older, I am not afraid of the change in years, or at least I don’t think I am. I think maybe it’s because I have a cynical outlook for 2007, or maybe it’s all the junk food I ate over the holidays.

2006 was a very interesting year, both world-wide and personally, though I will chose to muse briefly about the not so personal peculiarities of 2006 and impending oddities of 2007. I am very thankful that our national political scene saw some change this year, although I think this year signaled the end for my support of any sort of “party politics”. Both political parties as a whole are disgusting and disgraceful. I hope that some of the new folks will signal a change and join with some of the more senior independents. I am especially looking forward to seeing Jon Tester and Jim Webb in action. I am also happy to see that the interior west is making its mark on US politics. I have believed for a long time the libertarianesque leanings of the west should come to the political forefront.

I am however, frightful of the next two years of Bush reign. It appears that as I write this, Bush and his one time opponent John “I used to be a maverick” McCain want to increase the number of troops in Iraq despite the lack of support from military officials, congress, or the American people. Thank goodness there is some oversight of the President now, albeit, not as strong willed as I’d like to see.

I am going to end now, but hopefully it won’t be so long until I haunt these parts again.

And another thing...

And another thing…

I apologize for the random flavor of this message.

…The transition to this new place and new job is really beginning to take an emotional toll. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but the adrenaline of being in a new environment is starting to wear off, as the reality and routine set in…

…I totally missed ringing in the 4th anniversary of having a blog. I don’t know where time goes sometimes. It seems like yesterday when I was still living in Colorado and started this site. A lot has happened since then, but then some things never change…

…Friendships are a funny thing. Sometimes you may think you have met someone whom you believe you will always be friends with…and then it turns out that you lose contact with them…and sometimes you have a friend who is in and out of your life in a flash and you never know when you will see them again…I don’t mean to get sentimental, but I’ve spent a lot of time looking back and reflecting on my friendships. I am amazed by how I’ve lost touch with people I swore I’d never lose touch with. That doesn’t really sit well with me…

…It is great to see the self-destruction of the Republican Party in American politics. I would never advocate for everyone in American politics believing the same things, but I am glad that the alleged Party of morals and the American way is being shown for what it is…a group that is lead by self and special interests. Don’t get me wrong, I think that the Democratic Party is also a group lead by self and special interests, but their hypocrisy is not on the same level as the “family values” party. You cannot visit Raw Story or even ABC News without seeing another detail or story about this demise. I think that the Democratic Party is not far behind, as I believe the American public is tired of both parties…

…It amazes me how much members of a profession that is taught (and required) to respect differences, still has no problem making judgments based on appearance…

Getting in the Flow

The transition has been moving forward. We’ve had our ups and downs, and I am sure they will continue. On my mind a lot lately has been the hassles of organizational politics. Since I left my last job, I have vowed to stay as far away from gossip and bad politics as I can. My hope is that I can stay out; I think I’ve been doing well so far.

The flow of life is so very different here. If I want to go eat dinner at 3am, I have more choices than Denny’s or IHOP. If I want to go see a movie at 11pm, I can do it. If I need to go to a store on Sunday…it will be open until at least 9pm. It really is a change.

I recently picked up The Story of B by Daniel Quinn. It is one of the few books that have had a significant impact on how I view the world.

Exciting New Blog

I just read over at Sonafide that there is a new blog on the block that is geared towards the more "progressive" or "liberal" christian. The blog is God's Politics and is from Jim Wallis and others.

Hopefully this blog will increase the visibility for the other side of Christianity.

Life and Times

I am still trying to get into a routine. To those who read on a somewhat regular basis, I apologize for the sporadic posting.

Moving and starting a new job is a difficult transition. This is the third such transition for me in my life. Each one has presented different obstacles and trials, but have been difficult nonetheless. This transition has been of particular stress because of a variety of things. 1) We spent a week here before we were able to find a place to live. 2) My job is very time consuming, and I started the day we moved into our place. 3) Jenn has been struggling to find a job that is in education, pays well, and that she is not over qualified for. 4) We are attempting to solidify a social network early on in our time here. 5) We had never been to this city before, everything is new. 6) We are trying to grieve our move and at the same time emotionally move ourselves away from the things we did not like about ourselves in Arkansas. 7) Move on from my old job. I had a really good friend from long before Arkansas get the job I just left. Its difficult to think that this person is now where I was, working with the people I worked with, and seems to be having a better go at some of the aspects of the job than I did. Despite all of the obstacles, we are still very happy to be here, and love this city.

I don't like the difficulty of transistions. But fortunately for me, most of the people I work with are in a very similar situation. It makes things easier for me, but still does not make it easy. I am thankful for my job. Just a couple days ago, I went to a speaker who was talking about incorporating humor into the work place. He asked the attendees to think about the things at work that stress them out. I am so fortunate that right now, and for the first time I can remember, the only thing that stresses me is out is that I have a lot do, and am not really sure how to get it done. This is the best stress I can imagine having right now.

I enjoy being this age and being able to learn from my past experiences. I am hoping to take this opportunity to regain the things about me that I have forgotten, to live a life of someone my age, and to make new friends while re-building bridges to old friends. So I guess this is the official start to a new chapter in my life.

Life in the City

Wow...things are going fast and its hard to keep up.
I am feeling very removed from things going on in the world, but at the same time feel a little closer, because now I no longer live in the middle of nowhere.

Students came back this week, so it was the first time I've been able to meet some of the students I will be working with. I am excited for the year, and the possibilities it holds.

We Have Arrived

We have arrived in our new hometown, and have been searching for a place to live in this hot, yet not at all humid, climate. Its been fun running around town seeing everything, but it would be so NICE to have a home.

Thought I'd update, let you know more will come soon as consistent computer access commences.

The Moving of the Cheese

In less than a week I will no longer be living in this state. I will no longer be living in the south. In less than a week I will be back “out west”, although a little further than west than I have lived before. Although this blog is by no means anonymous, I do wish to keep a few things a little more unknown to the random blog visitor. For that reason, I am not really up for revealing where I am heading off to.

The move is exciting, both personally and professionally. It will give me a chance to start fresh, and will provide more opportunities for Jenn than she had here, and best of all, we will be living in a real city.

Its funny, only in the end of our time here were we able to realize the support structure we had. Part of me understands that when the end comes, people you know will go out of there way to do things with you that they never would have before. When the end is indefinite there is always tomorrow. It has been a very interesting time to reflect on the last three years. I am not the same as I was three years ago. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see someone who I never thought I would be. I am pretty happy with the person I am now, but I never did expect this.

It may be a while before another post, but I will be back as soon as I get settled.

Independence Day, 2006

It irritates me to no end referring to Independence Day as “the 4th of July”. The holiday is Independence Day, and it is celebrating true freedom from oppression and true liberty.
230 years ago, the British Colonies of America declared their independence from the rule of King George and Great Britain. The impact of this day should be fairly obvious, noting that the United States of America is still operating free from British rule. However, if you follow the mainstream media in the USA, you would think Independence Day is more like Veteran’s Day or Memorial Day. Independence Day is not just a day to remember Veterans and those who fought for the USA. (Do not get me wrong, I am a HUGE supporter of Veterans, and have the utmost respect for those who have fought for our country). Independence Day is a celebration of those ideals of which our country was founded on. The ideal that, as the so eloquently written in our Declaration of Independence, “We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”. This is a day to remember the principles that founded our country. This day is not another day to show “blind patriotism” or chant the slogans of the propaganda machines. This is a day to reflect on the principles of our country, and to investigate whether we still possess our unalienable rights.

It is ironic to me that 230 years later the American people are still dealing with a “King George”, a ruler who is more interested in lining the pockets of his friends than protecting the rights of all people. We have become complacent about our rights, and the usurpations of our rights. For some reason our rights have become less valuable because we are in a “time of war”. Our fourth President, James Madison declared that, “there are more instances of the abridgement of the freedom of people by the gradual and silent encroachment of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations”. I think these words could easily be spoken today, and that frightens me.

As another one of our country’s founders, Ben Franklin, said "those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety."

UPDATE: Wow...the political party who allegedly loves America refers to this holiday as "The Fourth of July". Check out Grand Oil Party website.

It Fits (the shoe that is)

This is not the first time in my life I’ve been in a “limbo” stage. It seems that this is a fairly common occurrence for me, and that I should just get used to it.

For the last few weeks I think this feeling of limbo has really increased my desire to write. I do not have any real defined goals or directions for the writing, just spitting out words on to this virtual paper.

So I’ve been thinking about the limits of honesty. Now, I am not talking about honesty in relationships or anything like that. I think that is pretty cut and dry. You really have to be honest when it comes to relationships. Rather, I am talking about honesty when it comes to the only time in your life where it really pays to sell yourself. That’s right, job interviews. I’ve been on a couple in the last few months, and I constantly struggle with how honest I need to be. What should I tell the interviewers about why I am thinking of moving on from my current position? What should I tell them when it comes to my perceived weaknesses? How honest is too honest?

I do not want to work somewhere where I will not fit in. So I want to be honest enough to let the interviewers know where I am coming from, but I sometimes think that is still being to straight forward.

What is too much? Where can I draw that line? Is there a line?

Entitlement Issues

I am currently looking to move on from my current job right now. Because of this, Jenn and I have been talking about a variety of issues and topics regarding jobs, what we think we are “worth”, etc. Now keep in mind, both of us are “educators” so we understand that our worth does not amount to much in real world dollars. However, we do understand that we are at least worth enough to be paid a livable wage. Anyway, one of the issues that Jenn brought up is entitlement. It may be a tail end of Gen-X or Millennial Generation attribute, but regardless, we feel some sense of entitlement about jobs. For example I feel that I am entitled to a certain level of position in my field because I have a couple years experience full-time and have a master’s degree. Well, Jenn questions that entitlement. She asks, “Do you really deserve a certain type of position? Are you not willing to work your way up”? Good questions indeed, and definitely questions I had not ever thought about.

The whole issue is pretty intriguing, especially because I think Jenn and I have some pretty hardcore work ethics for people of our age (at least according to our parents, and other people not in our generation). Yet we still realize that even we have some feeling of entitlement.

So where does this put us? I have had a couple job interviews and as of yet nothing has turned out. Partly due to that I am questioning my career choice. Understanding that I have a sense of entitlement makes me think that if I switch fields now, its no big deal because I am still at an entry level.

So these are the thoughts in my head on a Wednesday evening.

Is it 2008 yet?

I know it is early, but I think we need a person to run for President who will stand up for us average Americans and who is not going to give in to corporate interests. We also need a President who will rebuild our relations with other countries. I think one such person is Sen. Russ Feingold. Check out Draft Russ!

29 Percenters, Immigration and Fun Hollywood Satire

I will start from end, and work my way to beginning or something like that.

A couple weeks ago I went and saw American Dreamz with Jenn and my folks when they were in town. Despite some of the poor reviews that the move received, I definitely recommend seeing it. The movie obviously pokes fun at our American President, American pop culture, and other relevant American issues. Although I do think it is telling when four self-identified progressives are some of the only people laughing at much of the movie…especially when the theater happens to be in the reddest area of this red-state. The movie can be harsh at times, but it also is very blunt when pointing out many of the wonderful hypocrisies that exist in our culture today. You also cannot go wrong with the actors in this movie: Hugh Grant, Dennis Quaid, Mandy Moore, Jennifer Coolidge, Willem Dafoe, etc, etc. The movie reminds me of a more blunt Saved! with a bit of Wag the Dog and Primary Colors in the mix.

Now on to everyone’s favorite topic, Immigration. I do not really think the big issue is being played out here. Now, I may be getting a bit to “conspiracy theorist” on this one, but I believe that the people in power are using fear to yet again subdue or misguide the American people. Illegal immigration is an issue, no doubt about that, but I think that one of the things our wonderful leaders are trying to do is to put a wedge into the working class. By pitting illegal immigrants against the rest of the American working class (including whites, blacks, etc) the working class cannot unite. All of the American working class is being treated poorly…I think that is agreed upon. However, if members of the working class of different ethnicities and backgrounds cannot find common ground, then the working class has been subdued. I have sneaking suspicion that our leaders want exactly that. If the working class is being told to be afraid, they won’t bother with the other issues that they are facing.

Finally, hopefully the word of Bush’s amazing 29% approval rating has spread across the land. If not, check out this article from Yahoo! News: President Bush's Job Approval Rating Reaches New Low of 29 Percent Positive, Down Seven Points Since April, According to Harris Poll. I have heard pundits say that people are upset about gas prices, or are finally get tired of the war. I think that is true, but I think people are starting to get a little freaked out by the nature of our leaders…especially with the wire-tapping, and phone call logging that the NSA is doing. Anyway…because of the new poll numbers, I am now regarding those elite few who support our President as “29 percenters”.

Well then…I’ve run out of juice.

Change is Good

I thought I'd give things a face lift around here. Hopefully that means I will write more. I want to write more...I just can't seem to find more time.