Thursday, December 09, 2004

Follow the beat (read beaten)

Darkness moves swiftly through the hallways of my mind. It is not that I am depressed; rather it is that I am tired. I hate that I cannot tell some people (with whom I work with or for) how I feel. I have to always to check myself when I say something that could “go against the grain”. I have to be mindful that I do not commit career suicide. What scares me the most is that the questions I want to ask are the worst that could be asked. I just want to know the “why” of things. Why is person X treated differently than person Y? Why group O gets invited and group P does not? If it were simply an issue of policy, I’d shrug it off, but when it is an issue about respect and an issue about people, that is when my hide gets chapped. I guess that is the reason “why” is the most frightening question of all.

Now more than ever in my life I value the statement “question authority” but now more than ever in my life do I feel so strapped that I cannot do just that.

However, I am thankful that I have my job. I am thankful of the things it provides me. I am thankful of the lessons I have learned where I am. I am thankful that I do not have to be here forever.

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