I don't ever feel like I have much to write about, but I want to write. I feel that I am getting lost in time. I am over 5 years into my "career" but don't really feel it as much as I used to. And honestly, I don't know if there is anything out there that I'd want to do for 30 years of my life. I cannot seem to believe that this life is what we are meant for. Call it mystical, call it crazy, call it dumb, but I just cannot seem to make myself believe that we spend the first 22 years of life getting educated, the next 30-40 working, and the last 10+ dying. I am unable to wrap my brain around the concept that we, as humans, are here for this purpose and this purpose only. Maybe its my "human ego", maybe other animals feel the same way, I guess I wish I could know...about that at least.
But then I cannot say I 100% believe in God or a greater power anymore...The world, and life seems too cruel and mean at times for me to be certain of at least a power or creator that cares. And maybe I am just ranting...and maybe I am just a little bit scared that this is all there is.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
I thought I was already past my quarter life crisis…jeez I am almost 29 years old. Alas, I seem to be in it more than ever. The things in my life are moving fast, slow only compared to the actual days of my life as they go by. I feel that the 30 years we work goes by in fast forward while the 20 years before work go slowly and the years after work slower still. I can’t get some things right. After years of practice I wake up and it’s like I’ve never done them or experienced them before. I try to do what I think is right, it ends up being further from right than even what is wrong. I am lost in many ways, and found in others. I know where I am, I have a good idea of who I am, but other than that what I know is about as reliable as betting on the Detroit Lions to win the superbowl. It is cold, dark and I am alone. I can’t find the light switch, let alone the thermostat. Each day differs from the one before, but once a day has been lived it all starts to blur together. Yeah, it’s
February 1, 2009 and it feels like it should be Thanksgiving 08. I am being forced to live in the past at where I work, and the people who need me outside are living in the present, and that is making for an interesting future. I am not sure where the future will take me; I am just hoping to remember to board the train.