Sunday, August 31, 2003

Scattered thoughts

It is 2am and I am not really sure what is going on. No, I am not on drugs...other than the two Tums I ate a few minutes ago. I've been in this new place for about a month. It does not seem like a month, it seems longer. I only just began school, but it feels like I have yet to start. My life seems to move in slow motion, yet there seem to parts that are just skipped over. I am in a permanent haze, but things appear so much more clearly than before. It is as if God is saying "now that I have your full attention I am going to test you". It is true, right now there are very few "distractions" in my life. (And by distractions I do not mean negative things, just things that occupy my time). Yes, I work but I still contemplate at work. Yes, I have class but I still think in class. At my apartment my only things that occupy my time are: the phone, the TV, this computer, eating, reading, or writing. While this may seem like a lot, most of them can be done at the same time...or at least a combination of three of these things can be done at the same time. it gets later I just ramble more. Needless to say I have much more time to think since moving. I think its good in a way because it helps me regain my focus and regain and strengthen my relationship with God. But then again all the folks with whom I have a meaningful relationship are many many miles away. And there were some opportunities I had there that I do not have here (other than school of course) I sometimes wonder if there is a happy medium for me. Maybe this is something I am supposed to figure out right now. Right now in my personal life I desire to be closer to God, I desire to be closer to the people whom I love, I desire to have my own personal space and I desire to be on the path to my career. That is it for now.

Closing thought "love your neighbor as you love yourself"...not as easy as it quote a popular song "Where is the love?"

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

School begins...

It is time for school again. After a year of living life and working I am now back in class. I love learning, which pretty much means I love school. As a Grad. Student class is definetely different. Now my classes are much more specific in topic and they deal much more with theory and research. In this realm of my life, I am happy to be back in the saddle again.

However, in other realms the struggle still continues. God is definetely challenging me. He is throwing me into a new place with new situations and new people and taking me away from the people that I know and love and He is challenging me to grow. I am up to the challenge.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

New Template

New Template, new name...yay! I was in need for a change...especially since change seems everywhere in my life right now. Anyway...I had orientation today for my grad. program. I hate my shyness sometimes because I am sure I come off as stuck up, which is not the case. In all reality my knees are shaking and my palms are sweaty. Its funny that I have a slight fear of some social situations and I want to go into a career all about social situations. I've gotten better in the last few years about getting over my fear...I know it will get better.

If there is anyone out there let me know if the new template and name work...thanks!

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Franken vs. Fox

Wow! Fox News is all in a huff because Political Satirist Al Franken has the words "Fair and Balanced" in the title of his new book, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right. Knowing Franken’s work it is a pretty good assumption that the use of “Fair and Balanced” is meant as a knock on Fox News. However, this does not give Fox New a reason to sue him. Yes, Fox has trademarked their “Fair and Balanced” tagline, but the First Amendment protects political speech…especially satire. You would think with all the great pundits that Fox News has one of them would know their U.S. Constitution. But maybe that is too much to ask of a news channel. I am sure they would fight for their First Amendment Rights if Franken sued them for naming a program “(blank) is a big fat idiot”. I guess being “fair and balanced” means only when Fox News says something is “fair and balanced”.

No standing outside the fire

I got this quote in my email today. Its great, its meaningful and important:

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man tumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust, sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. -- Theodore Roosevelt

On the days when I don't think I can write, sometimes a few words from a great invdividual can help me find the words I was looking for.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Thoughtful Solitude

There is so much going on right now. In the world, in my life, in the lives of others. Obviously this is always the case, but I think, at least for myself, the full realization of this comes only after spending a lot of time alone. Being alone gives me the opportunity to really think about things for an extended period of time. Yes, this has, at times, led me to dwell on a specific issue, but I think I've grown past that. I like this opportunity to think, but I could not and cannot do it for long periods of time. I think we as humans need meaningful personal interaction. But to keep a balance we also need that solitude. I know what I am stating is probably obvious to most people, but nevertheless it is always helpful to remind myself of things which I take for granted.

A short political rant maybe I am just being negative, but when it comes to the fiasco in California, the fiasco in Texas and the really big Texan fiaso in D.C. I am almost to the point of not caring. Its not that I've lost interest in politics and its not as if I do not care about the people who are affected by the various fiascos. It is just that I would like to see those who are orchestrating these fiascos to get their due. I believe it was Plato who said that justice is "giving each their due". Well I hope that "the due" of those wishing to recall Davis in California is a no-name with no political experience and no personal skills elected the new governor (or Gary Coleman). I hope that with the redistricting in Texas the district boundaries are redrawn and instead of maintaining a republican majority the new lines, for some reason, actually increase the number of elected democrats including a strong contingent of Gays, Lesbians and Mexican Immigrants. And I hope the due of those involved in the D.C. fiasco is to have Condi Rice and Colin Powell leave the administration because of their somewhat secret support of Affirmative Action and then Donny Rumsfield admitting that pre-1953 he was a woman. This would in turn lead to the election of Al Sharpton as the next President of the U.S.A. Yes, I realize that none of this will actually happen and I probably would not like it all if it did, but I can dream can't I?

Saturday, August 09, 2003

Life as I see it and this little moment in time

I am tired of pretensions, I desire authenticity. This is true for me in both faith and life. I do not want to have to dress up to go to church. Is it not my relationship with God that truly matters? I do not want a big building that is filled with hollow words; I want an honest discussion of God, faith, life and all that we as humans have to deal with. I do not care where I have this discussion. It could be a house, a bar, a park or a cardboard box.
I desire something more out of life that the mundane. I do not want my life to center around money or material things. I want my life to be filled with love and curiosity, hope and grace. If I am to be considered an idealist, that makes me feel all the better about my beliefs.

Maybe it is the relative loneliness I have felt these last few days. For the first time in five years I am away from the people whom I feel I know. I am in a new place and I have yet to have a “real” conversation with anyone here, despite efforts on my part. (And by “real” I mean something other than chit-chat about the weather, the town, etc…). I am sure this will change, or at least I pray that it does. When I went off to college five years ago I know I felt this same way, but I do not think I really understood what was going on. Maybe I do not really understand it now, but I have at least have pinned why I am feeling the way I do. I cannot expect anything to change overnight, but I can at least hope for something more.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

The Move

Well I am now somewhat settled in a different town in a different state and in a different part of the country. Up until now I've lived my whole life in beautiful Colorado. I love Colorado, but it was time for a change of scenery. The change for me has not just been a change of locale. Rather a change of lifestyle. For the last two years I have been dating the most wonderful woman in the world. While in Durango I never lived more than three miles from her. While we were visiting our parents in the Denver area we stayed 20 miles apart. Now we are some 900+ miles away from eachother. During the last two years we've spent much of our time together (at least seeing eachother once a day) give or take a week here and there. This will be a test of our relationship. Between now and when she gradautes from College we will learn what kind of relationship we have and whether or not it is a relationship that God wants us to continue.

This move will test my faith in ways that I cannot even imagine.