Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Unanswered Questions

As the night comes to a close I wonder how things would be different if I would have made different choices. Would I be where I am now? Did I really have input in the choices I made? I told a good friend tonight that I would not be where I was today without having known him. But where would I be if I had not met him? I really don’t want to know the answers to these questions, but that never stops me from wondering.

My head hurts…is it the caffeine I had earlier? Is it because of my allergies? Or is it all my imagination? Only late at night and full of mixed emotions can these words flow from my fingers. The music fills the air “he was born in the summer of his 27th year, coming home to a place he’d never been before…left yesterday behind him might say he’s born again, might say he found a key to every door…”

On nights like this I wonder what I can change in my life, I wonder what I should change in my life and I pray for change in my life. I do not want to claim to know the answers, but some of them are so obvious that I cannot deny them.

And on an unrelated note, or at least related in spirit, I saw the new Tim Burton movie Big Fish a couple days ago. I am bias, I am a huge Tim Burton fan, but this movie was one of the best acted, best written, best directed, best filmed, and best laid out movies I have ever seen. I laughed, I cried, I thought and I felt good after the movie. I would highly recommend it.

Finally, sleep beckons…

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Merry Christmas!

Christmas in Colorado...once again a Christmas without snow. The new addition to this site for the time being will be pictures. I was given a digital camera today for Christmas. Yay!! Here is a picture of Red Rocks (behind those rocks is the famous Red Rocks Ampitheater, a favorite of artists like U2 and Dave Matthews). This picture is taken from Morrison, a small town west of Denver.

As you can tell it was a clear day...quite warm actually.

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday JESUS!!!

Saturday, December 13, 2003

We got snow!
There is snow on the ground...and that is wierd. I knew it snowed here before I moved, but only a few times during the winter I was told. It has already snowed twice! I wish I had a digital camera to put pictures of said snow here, maybe one day. Although, it is funny...it snows one or two inches and people don't leave their homes they raid the grocery stores the day/night before the storm and they stay put. Oh, but the people with 4x4 drive around because 4x4s help you drive in snow and ice (yes, very sarcastic here). Anyway, I've enjoyed staying inside because I have a reason to stay inside ;-P. Actually I decided to head up to campus to study for my last final! Actual studying has yet to occur, but I have high hopes!

Well, I have been walking around the last few days with a "bummed" attitude. Not really sure why...maybe it is the end of the semester, maybe it is stress, maybe it is because of the weather. All I know is that I must kick my butt and get out of it. Only a week left before I will be back in Denver. Yay! Yay! Yay!

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Finals Week
Oh boy! Today is the first day of "Finals Week" (yeah I think it is wierd when finals week starts on a Thursday, but this university can be wierd sometimes). I have one final today and one on Monday. Oh the fun that will be had by all. Cannot wait.

All I need to remember is "assessment, assessment and assessment"...and the assumptions and beliefs of Student Affairs...I will get it...I swear!

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Concerning things of this and that

WooHoo! My last paper of the term is due tomorrow and finals week starts on Thursday, oh the fun that is in store. This weekend has been a time of laughing, crying and studying. Ok, that is a lie, very little laughing, mostly studying and crying...the two are linked.

The weekend has not been all fun and games though. I found out on Friday night that a friend of mine from college has been diagnosed with Leukemia. It is a shock. She is young (25-26), but I understand that age really has nothing to do with it. When I spoke with her she was in very good spirits, which was very good. She seems so positive and I guess because she is young she has a much better chance of survival. I am praying for her.

As usual when I hear news of this sort, or I am stressed out for some reason or another (i.e. finals) I begin to think about life and its purpose. While studying with two of my classmates last night we got on to the discussion of religion. What was interesting is that the 3 of us come from very different places and backgrounds (although we are all within 3 years of eachother), but we all share the same "goal" for religion or church. That is: 1) We do not want to be told what to do. Rather, we want to be presented with the information, and then allowed to make the decision for ourselves. 2) We do not want something that is fake, we demand authenticity. 3) We share a common affinity for ritual, although, not ritual that de-emphasizes the Word. 4) Give or take a few instances, but we are all searching for something more that the modern chuch has been unable to provide.

Well then, I guess that it is it for now.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Yet another Real World over and done

It is 11:30pm, I am sitting in my office at work, trying to do some research, and I am listening to a sweet net based Trance station. Trance energizes me like no other instrumental music. I could probably stay up for hours just on the music alone. Yes, I understand that is wierd.

I had the last class session of one of my first courses as a Graduate student today. I can finally say that I am happy I came here to Arkansas. I am still not 100% positive if the choice to go to school was the right one, but I think the choice to come to Arkansas was the right one. I am so excited to have known my classmates, my professors, and most of my coworkers. This is a nerdy thing to say seeing as how its only the first of 5 semesters, but I needed to say it nonetheless. Yes, just maybe, my feelings are influenced by the fact that as of last night the Real World: Paris show is officially done with. Goodbyes are always so wierd to watch.

On a really cool note, Matthew's House, a brand new church in Durango, CO is having a "test" service on Sunday. I so wish I could be there for it. It is so exciting to know that in July the church was just a concept, and now it is a reality. I am definetely keeping it in my prayers.

Random note to self: remember the importance of the Risen Christ today and always.

As the intense melodies fill the air in my office I can only imagine what the future will bring...

Monday, December 01, 2003

Belated Thanksgiving
My short Thanksgiving break was very fun and very needed. I got to spend loads of time w/ my family and Jenn. I also spent a good 4 hours with one of my best friends whom I've only seen very shortly since he is married (but that is ok, his wife is really cool and the reason I've not seen him is not because he is married, but that once he moved back to Colorado I moved to Arkansas...). Anyway, I also got to go downtown which is always loads of fun.

I had planned a "Being Thankful" post, but due to time constraints, I may have to make it even more belated. Oh well. I am Thankful that I have time to do the things I do, so I cannot complain about needing more time.

Monday, November 24, 2003

The Night Before, Pt. 2

A continuation of the aforementioned issue (or something to that extent)…

As 5:30 quickly approached I had to get ready for a dinner outing with some of my classmates celebrating the debate to be held later in the evening between Al Franken and Ben Stein. At 5:30 two of my classmates showed up and we left for the Chinese buffet. After the fulfilling meal at 6:30pm we drove up to campus to get in line for the debate. It was very cold outside and we had to wait for around 15 minutes before we could get in to get our seats. At about 6:50pm the doors were opened and we quickly got seats up near the front of the arena so we could better see the debaters. At approximately 7:23pm the university’s Jazz ensemble began playing (about 8 minutes later than scheduled). After a 45 minute set the debate finally began (after the re-arranging of the stage and introductions of course). The debate of current political issues fused with much humor went on until approximately 10:10pm. At this time, one of my classmates and I said goodbye to our fellows and proceeded over to the stage to meet Ben Stein and the man, the myth and the legend who is Al Franken. After waiting in line (or in an Arkansas line) we finally got to meet Ben Stein and then Al Franken. Mr. Stein was slightly amused that a Coloradoan was in Arkansas studying higher education nonetheless. Mr. Franken made fun of something or other that I did and this made me nervous, but made me laugh as well. At about 10:30pm we left the building and proceeded to my car (through the freezing parking lot). At 10:50 I arrived home after chatting with my classmate for a few minutes and then driving home. I “warmed” my brain up with some 20 minutes of computer games and then proceeded at 11:10 to begin the process of writing my paper. Some six hours later I have the bulk of the paper written in pen in my notebook now to be transferred to this little black box in front of me.

So ends the saga of the Night Before. Hopefully my procrastination on papers will end here and now, and in the future I will begin papers earlier than I have recently.
The Night Before, Pt. 1

It seems like a bad television show that keeps replaying the same old crappy re-run. Alas, it is something even more horrifying (at least to me). That is that I have yet another paper due tomorrow (or today rather). Graduate school (in regards to classes) has seemed to be all papers. Now, I know that is not exactly true, but in many ways it is not. Looking back on my first semester (or at least 4/5 of it) I can say that I wish I would not have taken 9 credits (3 classes), but rather opted to take 6 credits (2 classes). I should have been thinking “Jake, you are in a new place, you are working 20+ hours a week, and you have been out of school for over a year, so you should take it a little slow your first semester”. Instead I was thinking “Jake, it is school, you like school, you don’t need to adjust, you can do what you have always done and work 20+ hours a week”. I am lost as to my reasoning last August. Oh well, my paper (and I still have 2 due after this one) will get done on time because they have to get done.

In an effort to see where my time went today, I present the following timeline of today’s activities in order to prevent procrastination like this in the future. As for today, I had an eventful day. First, I slept a little late knowing that the library opens up at noon. With that knowledge I allowed myself some quality time vegging before getting to work. Promptly at 1:00pm I went to the library where I got some quality research and reading done. At 3:45pm I decided I needed a break and went to the Union to talk with some of my classmates about the plans for later on in the night (we will get to that in part 2). After about a half an hour of shooting the breeze we all decided we needed to get back to work on our respective papers. After then I went to my office to catch up on a few things for tomorrow and hopefully begin writing my paper. What happened when I got to my office? You guessed it, I did not begin my paper, but I did get some catching up done. At around 4:45pm I went back home to get ready for the night’s activities and hopefully get started on my paper (yet again). To no avail I did not start my paper, but this time I really did not expect to.

More to come later during my next writing break…

Friday, November 21, 2003

Almost Thanksgiving
I have one more day of class and work before I get to go home for Thanksgiving...yay!!! Very exciting. It has been a long time since I have seen my parents and my brother and been to Denver. And I get to spend some time with Jenn! Yay!! I am so in need of time away from school. I love school, its been a blast, but my brain (and my body) are in dire need of some rest and some fresh mile high air ;P.

In other non-related news...the new CD from Dido Life for Rent is really good. The beats are so very smooth, but that is what you get when your brother is one of the geniuses behind Faithless.

Anyway...that is it for now. Since there is a paper to be written this weekend there will be a couple more posts I am sure.

Monday, November 17, 2003

Paper time once again

Always with the papers. I swear...ne'er a week go by without a paper due. Oh well. It will get done. Why? Because it has to. However, I have been noticing that this is the first time in a long time that my level of stress and anxiety have been affecting my health. I definetely need to change that. I am drinking a lot less coffee and trying to eat more veggies and fewer carbs and fats and sugars. I got to do it this time.

Currently I am reading Raggamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. This book is absolutely amazing. I've never heard grace explained so well. Reading this book has really made me feel that I am not alone with sometimes being "down in the dumps" and unsure about things. I guess I needed some reassuring that it is ok to be a Christian and not be perfect. Now, I don't believe that according to the Bible one must be perfect to be a Christian. Christ did not hang out with the "perfect" kids, he hung out with the skaters, drunks, nerds, geeks, punks, hobos, hippies and other assorted "un-cultured". As I've already mentioned, I fit more into the groups of people that Jesus hung out with, than your typical "TV Christian" (i.e. those who are/play Christians on TV). Yup, I have faults and I sin (even though you may be saying to yourself, "Jake, you do no such thing!"). Am I proud of these things? No, (well I do enjoy some of my faults...i.e. slacking off can be loads of fun...especially on a night like to tonight when I have a paper due tomorrow). However, I can be sure that God loves me despite my slackishness. He loves me despite the mistakes I make, or when I feel as if I want to curl up in my bed all day because I am depressed. As long as I remember that He is there for me always. As long as I remember to turn to Him (though I may forget sometimes). But in all reality what matters is that the Grace of God belongs to all of us who want it and even those who do not. Ok, that is probably enough rambling nonsense.

On another note, this weekend I saw Matrix: Revolutions. I liked it better than the Reloaded but not as much as the original. I also watched The Truman Show for the first time in a long time. I think Jim Carrey is an amazing actor, and I think the movie makes a really great point. Especially now in our world of "reality tv".

...back to the paper...

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Last night as I was sitting down at my computer to update the blog I fell asleep. Yes, I fell asleep at the computer and woke up about 20 minutes later to a phone call. All I can say is I am too exhausted. I have 3 papers and 2 presentations due next week. All my body wants to do is sleep. Wow...I hate stress.

Santa Fe was great, got to see Jenn, got to eat loads of green chili, got to hang out with a really good friend, and meet some new people. I think I may have overdosed on the green chili though. At least its good for you. I also had a lot of thinking time. Although I drove with another person, 24 hours in the car gives one a lot to think about. Maybe I will write about some of that stuff later.

Must get back to the grind.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

On the Road Again
Once again I am heading out of town. It seems as if I leave all the time...but that is not the case. This time is heading to New Mexico for a conference...YAY! I feel so professional now that I can go to a "professional conference".

Well I better get back to my homework, so I can leave bright and early tomorrow (ok, dark and early). Off to Santa Fe I go.

Monday, November 03, 2003

Quick Note
So a quick note or two as I "study" (aka mess around on the internet because I don't want to study):

First, Liz has a great entry from a few days ago. All I can say is WOW!

Second, for anyone who doubts my loyalty to my home state I say this, "Rocky Mountain High" by John Denver should be the state anthem because it adequately describes the feeling one gets from being in the Colorado Mountains, and the song, unlike our current state anthem "Where the Columbine Grows", actually mentions the name of our state. Also, as all Coloradoans have probably seen at one time or another, even the worst singer can sing "Rocky Mountain High", that is more than we can say about "Where the Columbine Grows". We could do no greater honor to one of the greatest folk musicians of our time then to make this wonderful song the official musical representation of our state. Oh yeah, the Denver Broncos are the greatest football team of all time and I cannot stand the Detroit Red Wings. I think it is now clear where my allegiance lies.

Third, Michelle talks about snow. I never thought I'd say this, but knowing that it rarely snows in Arkansas makes me a bit homesick for the snow capped mountains of Colorado, specifically those of the San Juan range.

That is all.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

El Dia De Los Muertos

Another Halloween has passed and the world now seems a bit quieter. Once Halloween passes it seems to me that winter is now upon us. Halloween has always been the official end to autumn for me, although I know that technically that is not the case. I believe today is the official Day of the Dead or El Dia De Los Muertos. Like Halloween, the Day of the Dead has always been a holiday that absolutely fascinates me. I think I can trace much of my fascination of Halloween and El Dia de Los Muertos to various short stories by Ray Bradbury. He is the only author I have ever read where I truly feel that I am in the story. Since many of his stories deal with Halloween or at least a hint of the supernatural, I am sure this assisted my fascination.

Today I took a drive through some of the most beautiful mountains I have seen in Arkansas. This part of the Ozarks are called the Boston Mountains. I guess these are the most “rugged” of the mountains in the Ozarks. I also drove through historic Van Buren, Arkansas. In one sense Van Buren, like many small American towns I’ve come across in my limited travels, can be considered to be “Main Street America” off the top of my head Hays, KS in my opinion is also “Main Street America”. I think it would be awesome to travel to small towns, meet some of the locals and then write about the town.

Well then, I believe it is time to go, after sitting in front of the TV watching the marathon 5 hour football game between the Razorbacks and the U of Kentucky I think my brain is a little fried. Thank goodness the Hogs won.

Monday, October 27, 2003

"If I hide myself wherever I go am I ever really there?"

Well then, another eventful weekend of studying! Boy how I love being a student again! (I do actually, but I forgot how it can be to not really have a weekend).

So the quote above is from a song on the new Barenaked Ladies CD Everything for Everyone. The song is called "For You". BnL has just outdone themselves with this new CD. It is their best since Gordon by far. It is a little more mellow than their previous releases, but it still has some good fun and some good introspection. I am excited because they will be in Denver over Thanksgiving...which may mean BNL Concert!! YAY!!! That would be sweet.

On another music note, Mandy Moore's Coverage is also quite good. Her voice is so good, and she is a little, um, more respectable than her teen pop peers. But I like her because she can sing and with this CD and her songs on A Walk to Remember she has sung songs that are really good. We all can have our guilty music pleasures right??

I should get back to editing my paper that is due tomorrow.

Before I go, here is a question, for those who read feel free to answer:
What would you say to a Christian who feels more comfortable around "non-Christians" than "Christians"?

...oh yeah...way to go Marlins!

Friday, October 24, 2003

It is almost here, that special time of the year

No, I am not talking about the 7th game of the World Series (Go Marlins by the way) and I am not talking about getting that extra hour on Sunday (although I am quite happy for that too!), I am talking about Halloween. Yes, I will admit it, I am a HUGE fan of Halloween. I have already watched two of my three favorite Halloween movies: The Halloween Tree and The Nightmare Before Christmas. Hopefully I will have some time between writing a paper and studying for a midterm to watch the third, Sleepy Hollow (the Tim Burton version). Most of my fascination does not come from the candy, the trick or treating, the supernatural or anything like that. I am mostly fascinated by Halloween because the culture of the holiday. By that I mean the reason why it is celebrated. When you get right down to it Halloween is about our (the human race) obsession with death. We fear death, and one way that we feel we can overcome this fear is by celebrating a holiday where we dress up as ghosts, monsters, witches, former U.S. Presidents, etc… Now if you ask most people who still celebrate Halloween I’d doubt that they would give the answer that I just mentioned, but I think that the roots of Halloween lie in that obsession. In regards to this, one of my life travel goals is to go to Mexico for a Day of the Dead Celebration (yes, I know its not technically Halloween, but the concept is quite similar).

I know I may be stepping out on a limb, but I don’t really think that Halloween has much to do with the occult nowadays. I know that Halloween can be traced back to Pagan times, but I think that the whole occult connection is more about people worrying about a connection with the occult than anything else. I don’t think that celebrating Halloween is an un-Christian thing to do. I don’t think celebrating Halloween leads children into the occult. I am not a religious scholar, nor am I Christian theologian, but I really have a tough time with understanding why one would be some militantly against the holiday. As long as you are well informed and you discuss the roots and traditions of the holiday with your children, I think it can be a fun time.

Anyway, before I ramble on too much, I will end with one thing: the new Barenaked Ladies album is out and I for one am going to enjoy it as soon as the new music graces my ears (and the money leaves my wallet) tomorrow. :-)

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

"I am so not cool"
First things first... a couple of weeks ago Michelle began Project Mail-a-thon. Today I found in the mail a beautiful handmade postcard with the famous line from Frost's poem "Two roads divereged in a wood, and I took the onle less traveled by, and that has made all the difference". Behind the words are four b/w pictures of various roads. It is very cool! It definetely adds to my recent fascination with country roads. Thank you Michelle. If anyone wants to participate in this quickly growing movement feel free to email me or visit Michelle

Ok, so why do I say that I am not cool. Its obvious, never in my life have I been a "cool kid". I am ok with this. I am actually ok with the term "nerd". I am a nerd, there is no doubt about that. I like to read, I like to study, I love to learn, etc...However, I am not a geek (which would be equally as good as a nerd, but I am just not a geek). I am not a dork either, but thats ok to be as well. Just remember us nerds rock...not being cool means I am secure with who I am. There is more...but I just cannot put it into words right now. I just wanted to make it known that I am not cool and I am very ok with that. :-)

**Update 12:42am 10/23/03**
Common stereotypes about nerds (a sub-section of the "un-cool")
- few friends
- friends are only nerds (or dorks, geeks, etc...)
- more online friends than offline
- only enjoy "un-cool" things (i.e. D&D, Star Trek, Pogs, etc...)
- don't enjoy sports (or consider academics a "sport")
- don't date
Ok, you all get the idea. I guess what I am trying to say is its ok to be yourself. We don't need to strive to be "cool". Personally, if I had to stop reading Harry Potter books because its not a cool thing to do when you are 23 years old I wouldn't want to be cool. I just think to myself, Jesus was okay with not being cool. If there is any person I'd most want to be like it would be Jesus. So we as the "un-cool" are in some darn good company if I do say so myself.

So ends my ramblings on being "un-cool". Thank you and have a nice day.

Monday, October 20, 2003

I question things to maintain my sanity
So life has been a little crazy lately. I am really stressed out. I have a lot on my plate and I just don't feel I have time to relax. I know I have probably relaxed a little too much, but it seems like I've not relaxed much at all. What I do know is that I need to get my act together, kick it in to gear and start studying all hardcore like. I hope I am up for the test!

In one of my three classes we are discussing student development and theories about student development. During a presentation on the development of homosexual students, and the development of students in regards to their beliefs on homosexuality I came to a few questions. I don't know the answers, and I don't really have any ideas of what their answers are. For those who may happen to read this, if you have any insight let me know.

1) Of sins which are the worst?
2) If homosexuality is to be considered a sin, where does it rank on the list? Is it worse or better than say gambling or drunkeness? Are these things sins?
3) If we cannot blame someone for being bi-polar how can we blame someone for being homosexual?
4) Is one "race/ethnicity" of people more open and tolerant than another? If that is true, which one?
5) Do we have to continue defining people by race, are we not all humans?
6) If Jesus died for all humans, how can someone say one human is worth more than another? Is God's grace too good for some people?

I don't expect answers to these questions anytime in the near future, but these are things I have thought about. I think my questions may seem childlike in nature, but if I don't know the answers I am not going to say that I do. By asking these questions all I am doing is asking questions. I am not making any points, or stating any of my beliefs, I am just curious.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

I am going from one busy week to the next. Not a whole lot of time to slow down. I am excited though that my brother came to Arkansas this week. Hopefully the Hogs will beat Florida so it makes it even more fun ;P. Anyway, I think I will write more later, or whenever I have the time this weekend. Until then I guess I will let the craziness continue.

Monday, October 13, 2003

Back for more
I am back in Arkansas after a fantastic trip to Durango. I really did not want to leave, but alas I have my first midterm tomorrow so I guess I had no choice. Although leaving Jenn this morning was probably one of the single hardest things I have ever done in my life. We did have a lot of fun...we participated in the homecoming activities, went out on the town with some friends ate at my favorite place in the world, and saw School of Rock to mention a few things. Anyway, the flights went as well as they could of. I am still sketched on the whole flying thing though.

With that said, now I must get back to studying.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

I always get nervous the night before I travel. Tonight (or this morning) is no different. When I know I am driving the next day it is an excited nervous because I love to drive. When I am flying the next day it is a very scared and anxious nervous because I hate to fly. I don't know why I don't like to fly, I used to enjoy it....Unfortunately for my nerves I am flying tomorrow. I am very excited about my destination, I am going to Durango and I am going to see Jenn and alot of my other friends whom I've not seen in almost 3 months. But, I am flying. I cannot seem to get over my fear. I know I must hand it over to God, but my mind is having trouble listening to my heart on this issue. I have been praying to get over this fear, and I will continue to do so.

On another note, I finished my paper!!! The next big thing is a midterm on Tuesday. I've already begun studying for this bad boy, so no huge procrastinations this time.

Sunday, October 05, 2003

Graduate School Attacks Me or why I procrastinate
Here it is the night before my first paper of my graduate school career is due. Wow, and I used to enjoy working on papers at the last minute. I pledge that this is last time I do it. (I hear the echo of the immortal words of one Homer J. Simpson, "don't do today what you can put off until tomorrow"). Ok, thats it for now.

Friday, October 03, 2003

Books and Music
One thing that I have always been mindful of when I have been in school is reading for pleasure and listening to music. These two things help keep my stress level manageable. I am probably reading more for school now than I ever have. I enjoy reading about higher education, student development and student affairs, but its not enough. I need something to read for pleasure's sake. Currently I am reading Posers, Fakers, and Wannabes: Unmasking the Real You by Brennan Manning and Jim Hancock. Its been really good so far. I cannot really describe the book, but the title says the important things. I am also reading the e-book Wisdom of the Sadhuby Sadhu Sundar Singh. It is amazing and thought provoking so far. I am almost finished with the new Al Franken book. I cannot read it while I am eating or drinking something because its too funny to hold in the food ;P.

For my listening pleasure I have been listening to a few different CD's regularly. The first is Some Devil from Dave Matthews. I am a pretty new Dave Matthews fan. I like this CD much more than his Dave Matthews Band CDs. On regular rotation as well is Play from Moby. Moby's music has always been the soundtrack of the tough times in my life. Now is no different. Play has some of the most beautiful pieces of music I have ever heard. Lastly Barenaked Ladies Greatest Hits: Disc One has been a regular listen. I love BNL, they have fun and make great music. Although the songs that have gotten the most listens have been the slow thoughtful songs.

I really felt like writing a post about books and music tonight. A little off the normal genre of posts, but its all good. Thats the beauty of the blog.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Happy October!!
It is my favorite month of the year, I am so excited. I just hope I don't let it slip away like last year. Question: Now that I am in a new place with new people is it acceptable to use the same Halloween costume two years in a row?? Especially when the name of the costume is "Not so slim shady". Anyway, it is almost officially Autumn. The weather is getting cooler and the leaves will soon be turning, it will be interesting to see the leaves turn in a place that has more than just evergreens and aspen. Not to say that Aspen aren't the most beautiful trees... but it will be fun.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Wow, yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of this blog and I didn't even remember it until now. I am a bad blogger.
Thank goodness the blog does not talk back or else I'd be sleeping on the couch...or something like that ;P.
Good Movie
This weekend in my crazy boredom I decided to rent a movie. While walking along the aisles I noticed a box with the title All I Want aka Try Seventeen. The stars of the movie included Elijah Wood and Mandy Moore. Being a fan of each (Elijah Wood as far back as The Good Son...ok...yes I am a Mandy Moore fan, deal with it ;P ). I had read something about this movie sometime back, but I thought it would have a wider screen release and we would have all heard about it on the TV. But anyway, the movie is very good. Wood plays a 17 year old college dropout living on his mother's family money. He lives in an apartment building with a unique cast of characters including Moore (a vain but likeable wannabe actress) and Franka Potente (a photographer with some history) among others. It could be considered a "coming of age" movie, but I think it has a little more on most of the recent movies fitting that description. It’s very funny, but in a subtle way, it discusses many issues pertinent to the current generation, and it adds a little bit of off the wall humor as well. Quite enjoyable and I would rank it as one of my favorite movies of 2003.

Argh...it is late and I had so much more I wanted to do tonight.

Friday, September 26, 2003


Now that we are all grown we know that cliques are a thing of the past right? We all live/work/go to school together in this wonderful tolerant and loving society right?

I don't believe that there is any place in the Western world where cliques do not exist. I hope for goodness sake that I am wrong. But I get that funny feeling in my tummy that I am not wrong in this statement. I loathe cliques, I always have. Maybe thats because I never fit into a clique, maybe because I am jealous of the people in the cliques I am not in. I say this becuase moving to a new place and starting school has allowed me to see the new cliques in this new place and new school. I see it even in my group of classmates. I hate it, I want to get to know all my classmates, but it seems that there are already 3 cliques, and its only a class of 21. I don't know how to break it, but maybe that will take some time. I think maybe it is in human nature to form cliques, if so we as humans need to break that. The stereotypes are so horrible in my class. I don't care about what groups these people could fall into, I just want to know them personally, not superficially. But anyway, it would be nice for the group to mesh, but maybe its too late or too early for that to happen.

On a related note I like Tubb's take on a similar issue as it relates to Christians in his entry Acknowledging fellow members of the Body

I think maybe I'll write more on this later.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Complete Craziness

Hectic. School is hectic, work is really hectic and life, yes, life is also very hectic. I try to keep my self sane by praying, reading, writing and taking that occasional drive deep into the Ozark mountains. (Well not really "deep" more wherever the highway and God take me). So the Ozarks are absolutely beautiful. I could just walk and drive around them for hours on end. Northwest Arkansas is really a great place. Other than the way some folks drive, I have no complaints. But anyway...all the talk about the beauty of the state just makes me anticipate autumn even more.

Something is afoot right now. I cannot be sure whether is just me, or if the world as a whole is preparing for something new, different, and possibly life altering. I am sure its the lack of sleep that makes me talk of such rubbish. I know I am changing. I knew it would come as I forced myself into a new and unfamiliar situation. I was not expecting a smooth transition, I was not expecting a smooth anything. I expected bumps and dips and small crashes along the way. Maybe I underestimated, maybe I overestimated. But at least I estimated :-P. It is all so new, I feel like I am starting college all over again, but then again its nothing like starting college again.

I am filled with questions. If I were not I would be worried. I don't have answers, all I have are very subjective observations and unfounded guesses. Knowing that I don't have to know the answers is somewhat comforting, but not knowing the future also scares me.

The joke was when someone caught my grandfather talking to himself they would always ask him why he talked to himself. His response, "You have to have an intelligent conversation with somebody". While I am not necessarily talking to myself, nor I am necessarily providing any examples of any intelligence sometimes I must work things out for myself in writing. Instead of keeping this writing in my own written journal I write here in hopes of my better understanding myself.

I feel like Austin Powers, "let me allow myself to introduce...Myself"

On another note
I, like much of the blogging world it seems, am preparing to celebrate a blogging anniversary. yes, this blog is about to reach the big one year mark. Wow...I am sure I will have some comments on that later.

Friday, September 19, 2003

Interview Questions for Michelle
1) If given the choice where would you most like to do minstry? Why?
2) What made you want to begin to blog?
3)What has been the biggest difference or change for you from college to graduate school?
4) When did you first know that God existed? and (borrowing a question from Jen at Meditatio) what was your most powerful spiritual experience?
5) When you lived in the United States did you notice many cultural differences between the US and Canada?

Friday, September 12, 2003

All I can say is Go HOGS! I've never really liked the state of Texas (while knowing some good people from there) and now that I am attending the U of A I have a good reason to give an upside down Longhorn. It's like a battle between the states of the last two U.S. Presidents...and well I know I am on the correct side ;-P. Anyway...its too bad the game is in Austin this year, but next year the Longhorns come to Fayetteville...it will be pure chaos.


Interview Meme Questions from Jen
1.) You've lived all or most of your life in Colorado and now you're doing grad stuff in Arkansas? How do the cultures in each place differ?
Good question. They differ quite a bit. The last place I lived in Colorado was very, very relaxed, very wealthy and very educated. To the contrary NW Arkansas is relaxed, but more formal with keeping traditions (Southern Hospitality all the way). There is an economic boom here (yes, unlike the rest of the country), but it’s not wealthy like Durango was. Arkansas is also not nearly as well educated (and I mean only formally...a smaller percent of the population have college degrees and what not) as Colorado.
I do really enjoy many of the traditions (in regards to state pride, school pride, etc). Colorado just did not have these traditions. I also think that the people here are very friendly; they will talk to you on the bus, or at the store. Many times Coloradoans (specifically in Durango and much of the Denver area) are not as willing to do this.
All said and done I still Love Colorado, but I really like it down here.
2.) What is your impression of what I would be like in real life if you were to meet me?
I think you would be shy and reserved, but still very thoughtful and kind. I think it would take a little while for you to open up, but once you did you probably would not be nearly as shy.
3.) Flash forward to the future when you are married and have kids. What would be the two things you'd want for them?
Wow, really tough question. First and foremost I'd want them to grow up as individuals. I want them to discover things on their own while still learning the values that my wife and I would teach them. I would not want to shelter them, but I want them to know what is right and what is wrong. Second, I would want them to have a quality education. My parents have always held education very high, I would do the same.
4.) Describe your ideal church.
Hmm...Right now in my life my ideal church would be a place geared towards "spiritual seekers" and "new" Christians. It would be a place where discussion was encouraged and there would be learned "pastors" who would facilitate discussion and help the members with the questions they had on their journey through and with Faith. Smaller would be better because of discussion and a church of people from the same community would also be very cool. The Biblical values I'd like a church to emphasize would be Faith, Grace, Love, Authenticity and Missions. I see it that Christianity is about the life of Jesus Christ so I think a church should emphasize (while still keeping and teaching the Old Testament) the teachings of Christ. However, I am still very attached to rituals, in particular Communion, statement of faith, Lord's Prayer, etc...I think music is essential to worship, but I think a more acoustic style is the most welcoming style...especially those who are searching and are not familiar with the idea of “Church”.
5.) What is the most powerful spiritual experience that you've had?
I don't think I can narrow it down to one experience so I will talk about the one that happened at a really good time.
I can remember one of the first real experiences that solidified my belief in God shortly after becoming a Christian. This took place on Sept. 8, 2000 at of all things a Moby concert at Red Rocks Amphitheater outside Denver, CO. It was during the song "Next is the E" at the point where Moby screams (which is pretty inaudible unless you knew it was coming) "Now lift your hands to heaven". Being outside on beautiful autumn night with 10,000 other people, I could feel the presence of God. Arguably Moby is a Christian and he has admitted making some of his music for Jesus Christ, but I just think that his music in general is so spiritual.

But that’s it…thanks for the questions Jen.

The Interview Meme
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions — each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal or blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Thursday, September 11, 2003


“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices when truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance”. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

“ There are three things that will endure – faith, hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love”. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Through all the tragedies and events that have happened in my lifetime I have learned a few important things that I must not forget:
  • Keep the faith: Know that there are reasons why things happen.
  • Love: Love those people whom I don't understand or whose actions I do not understand. Treat all with the respect I would want to be treated with. Accept my own failures and the failures of others, but do not hold those failures against myself or others.
  • Prayer: Spend time alone and with God each day. Talk and pray about the things I don't understand and the things that I am having trouble with.
  • Friendship: Spend time with those I love.
  • Honesty: Be honest in all that I do and expect no less from others.

    There are other things, but in light of what today represents, these things are the things I must never forget.
  • Saturday, September 06, 2003

    Thoughts on the Blogging/Journal world
    I like to read other blogs way more than I like to write on this one. I am so intrigued by what some people will share with the world. Its almost like sitting in a mall people watching and being able to hear a little about what is going on inside each person's head.

    On a related note, I am not sure what I would say if I met a person whose blog I read. Outside the cyber world I do not think anyone I know blogs...I wonder how my opinion of someone would be changed if I knew they blogged. I also wonder if blogging is just an exercise in vanity. Are we just people who love to hear ourselves talk (or in this case write)? Are we just doing this to boost our hurt egos? Are we trying to be the popular kids because high school was so horrible? I don't really know the answers to these questions and maybe I never will.

    More blog talk

    Joe over at Simple Complexities wrote a great entry title "I Love Jesus"... I recommend reading the short entry, but just in case you do not here is a little bit of it:

    "Just trying to be faithful. There is nothing harder. Being faithful to God is the most difficult process that I have ever entered into. It's surprising how many people are so sure that you are not being faithful by looking at your life from afar. It is ironic that the very things they see in you as unfaithfulness are the very results of some previously scary and difficult leap of faith."

    I like honesty, I like it a lot. I think that honesty (especially in regards to faith) is the main reason I enjoy blogs and journals. Honest people kick some major arse. In regards to this honesty in faith I think my favorite personal blog/journals dealing with faith(besides Simple Complexities) are from Tubbs at Jazz Daddy's Journal, Jen at Meditatio, Michelle at Mikao's World and last but not least Matt at Mystical Matt's. I cannot put into words what makes each of these people standout...they just do.

    Tomorrow I get to experience my first "big time" college football game. I am very excited. "Wooooo Pig Sooie"

    An end
    I am still debating in my head whether or not to keep this thing (aka the blog) going. We will see, eh?

    Sunday, August 31, 2003

    Scattered thoughts

    It is 2am and I am not really sure what is going on. No, I am not on drugs...other than the two Tums I ate a few minutes ago. I've been in this new place for about a month. It does not seem like a month, it seems longer. I only just began school, but it feels like I have yet to start. My life seems to move in slow motion, yet there seem to parts that are just skipped over. I am in a permanent haze, but things appear so much more clearly than before. It is as if God is saying "now that I have your full attention I am going to test you". It is true, right now there are very few "distractions" in my life. (And by distractions I do not mean negative things, just things that occupy my time). Yes, I work but I still contemplate at work. Yes, I have class but I still think in class. At my apartment my only things that occupy my time are: the phone, the TV, this computer, eating, reading, or writing. While this may seem like a lot, most of them can be done at the same time...or at least a combination of three of these things can be done at the same time. Anyway...as it gets later I just ramble more. Needless to say I have much more time to think since moving. I think its good in a way because it helps me regain my focus and regain and strengthen my relationship with God. But then again all the folks with whom I have a meaningful relationship are many many miles away. And there were some opportunities I had there that I do not have here (other than school of course) I sometimes wonder if there is a happy medium for me. Maybe this is something I am supposed to figure out right now. Right now in my personal life I desire to be closer to God, I desire to be closer to the people whom I love, I desire to have my own personal space and I desire to be on the path to my career. That is it for now.

    Closing thought "love your neighbor as you love yourself"...not as easy as it looks...to quote a popular song "Where is the love?"

    Wednesday, August 27, 2003

    School begins...

    It is time for school again. After a year of living life and working I am now back in class. I love learning, which pretty much means I love school. As a Grad. Student class is definetely different. Now my classes are much more specific in topic and they deal much more with theory and research. In this realm of my life, I am happy to be back in the saddle again.

    However, in other realms the struggle still continues. God is definetely challenging me. He is throwing me into a new place with new situations and new people and taking me away from the people that I know and love and He is challenging me to grow. I am up to the challenge.

    Thursday, August 21, 2003

    New Template

    New Template, new name...yay! I was in need for a change...especially since change seems everywhere in my life right now. Anyway...I had orientation today for my grad. program. I hate my shyness sometimes because I am sure I come off as stuck up, which is not the case. In all reality my knees are shaking and my palms are sweaty. Its funny that I have a slight fear of some social situations and I want to go into a career all about social situations. I've gotten better in the last few years about getting over my fear...I know it will get better.

    If there is anyone out there let me know if the new template and name work...thanks!

    Saturday, August 16, 2003

    Franken vs. Fox

    Wow! Fox News is all in a huff because Political Satirist Al Franken has the words "Fair and Balanced" in the title of his new book, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right. Knowing Franken’s work it is a pretty good assumption that the use of “Fair and Balanced” is meant as a knock on Fox News. However, this does not give Fox New a reason to sue him. Yes, Fox has trademarked their “Fair and Balanced” tagline, but the First Amendment protects political speech…especially satire. You would think with all the great pundits that Fox News has one of them would know their U.S. Constitution. But maybe that is too much to ask of a news channel. I am sure they would fight for their First Amendment Rights if Franken sued them for naming a program “(blank) is a big fat idiot”. I guess being “fair and balanced” means only when Fox News says something is “fair and balanced”.

    No standing outside the fire

    I got this quote in my email today. Its great, its meaningful and important:

    It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man tumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust, sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. -- Theodore Roosevelt

    On the days when I don't think I can write, sometimes a few words from a great invdividual can help me find the words I was looking for.

    Tuesday, August 12, 2003

    Thoughtful Solitude

    There is so much going on right now. In the world, in my life, in the lives of others. Obviously this is always the case, but I think, at least for myself, the full realization of this comes only after spending a lot of time alone. Being alone gives me the opportunity to really think about things for an extended period of time. Yes, this has, at times, led me to dwell on a specific issue, but I think I've grown past that. I like this opportunity to think, but I could not and cannot do it for long periods of time. I think we as humans need meaningful personal interaction. But to keep a balance we also need that solitude. I know what I am stating is probably obvious to most people, but nevertheless it is always helpful to remind myself of things which I take for granted.

    A short political rant

    Ok...so maybe I am just being negative, but when it comes to the fiasco in California, the fiasco in Texas and the really big Texan fiaso in D.C. I am almost to the point of not caring. Its not that I've lost interest in politics and its not as if I do not care about the people who are affected by the various fiascos. It is just that I would like to see those who are orchestrating these fiascos to get their due. I believe it was Plato who said that justice is "giving each their due". Well I hope that "the due" of those wishing to recall Davis in California is a no-name with no political experience and no personal skills elected the new governor (or Gary Coleman). I hope that with the redistricting in Texas the district boundaries are redrawn and instead of maintaining a republican majority the new lines, for some reason, actually increase the number of elected democrats including a strong contingent of Gays, Lesbians and Mexican Immigrants. And I hope the due of those involved in the D.C. fiasco is to have Condi Rice and Colin Powell leave the administration because of their somewhat secret support of Affirmative Action and then Donny Rumsfield admitting that pre-1953 he was a woman. This would in turn lead to the election of Al Sharpton as the next President of the U.S.A. Yes, I realize that none of this will actually happen and I probably would not like it all if it did, but I can dream can't I?

    Saturday, August 09, 2003

    Life as I see it and this little moment in time

    I am tired of pretensions, I desire authenticity. This is true for me in both faith and life. I do not want to have to dress up to go to church. Is it not my relationship with God that truly matters? I do not want a big building that is filled with hollow words; I want an honest discussion of God, faith, life and all that we as humans have to deal with. I do not care where I have this discussion. It could be a house, a bar, a park or a cardboard box.
    I desire something more out of life that the mundane. I do not want my life to center around money or material things. I want my life to be filled with love and curiosity, hope and grace. If I am to be considered an idealist, that makes me feel all the better about my beliefs.

    Maybe it is the relative loneliness I have felt these last few days. For the first time in five years I am away from the people whom I feel I know. I am in a new place and I have yet to have a “real” conversation with anyone here, despite efforts on my part. (And by “real” I mean something other than chit-chat about the weather, the town, etc…). I am sure this will change, or at least I pray that it does. When I went off to college five years ago I know I felt this same way, but I do not think I really understood what was going on. Maybe I do not really understand it now, but I have at least have pinned why I am feeling the way I do. I cannot expect anything to change overnight, but I can at least hope for something more.

    Wednesday, August 06, 2003

    The Move

    Well I am now somewhat settled in a different town in a different state and in a different part of the country. Up until now I've lived my whole life in beautiful Colorado. I love Colorado, but it was time for a change of scenery. The change for me has not just been a change of locale. Rather a change of lifestyle. For the last two years I have been dating the most wonderful woman in the world. While in Durango I never lived more than three miles from her. While we were visiting our parents in the Denver area we stayed 20 miles apart. Now we are some 900+ miles away from eachother. During the last two years we've spent much of our time together (at least seeing eachother once a day) give or take a week here and there. This will be a test of our relationship. Between now and when she gradautes from College we will learn what kind of relationship we have and whether or not it is a relationship that God wants us to continue.

    This move will test my faith in ways that I cannot even imagine.

    Friday, July 25, 2003

    Quick Update on Life

    I am currently packing up all my stuff for the big move. I hate moving. Its not that I don't like change, but I just have too much stuff. Sometimes I wish I could live out of a box and a bag...but anyway...

    I am slightly dreading the move. I don't want to leave people, just places.

    I finished Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and all I can say is WOW. The book was dark, angry, and sad. Not as much humor as the previous books, but thats ok. I remember when I was 15...I was not full of giggles and laughs either. One last thing, Neville Longbottom is the greatest character in the books (imo). In this book he shines, I think I like him far more than Harry. I wonder if Rowling would ever consider doing what Orson Scott Card did with the Ender books? Maybe have a series devoted to Neville as the true hero...

    Yesterday I did something I never thought I would do (its a good thing). It is fun to take risks...sometimes. It was not huge, its not life changing but something I had to have a lot of confidence in myself to do. (Although I probably would not have done it without some nudging from Jenn...and she did not even have to hold my hand!)

    These last few weeks I have been completely overwhelmed by the power and glory of God. He has shown me so much, helped me learn so much, and has helped me question myself so much. I can only hope that what He has in store for me is something I am worthy of.

    That is it for a little while.

    Wednesday, July 23, 2003

    Big Decisions

    Is it normal to question big decisions? Here it is only about a week away before I move to Arkansas and I am questioning whether or not my decision to go is the right decision. I am a person who has regrets. I am getting better and not regretting things, but I am nowhere close to ridding myself of these regrets. My fear is to regret my decision to go or not to go. I have been praying about this for some time and have yet to reach a conclusion.

    In the end regardless of my decision I must give up my worries and doubts about my decision to God. Its an incredibly difficult thing to do, but it is what I must do. I believe that things happen for a reason. I know then that I must give these worries to God. He will not lead me astray.

    I am excited for the future. There are many things I want to do and many places I want to see. I must not get to bogged down with simple troubles. I cannot let life just pass me by.

    Sunday, July 20, 2003

    Short(ish) Update from the road

    Ok, so not literally from the road...more of my parent's house. So the trip so far has gone very well. We stayed the first night in Moriarty, NM. It is a small city/town east of Alburqueque...we then drove through the panhandle of Texas...through Amarillo (wow its flat there) and stopped outside of Groom, TX to see an amazing 19 Story x 11 Story Cross. At the Cross there was an exact replica of the Shroud of Turin, a replica of the Tomb of Jesus, the Stations of the Cross, a chapel (in progress) a fountain and more. Wow...it was a very powerful place to say the least. After a brief stop and visit with family in Tulsa, OK we ended up in Fayetteville at around midnight. After a couple days messing around Fayetteville (we hope that the nightlife improves during the school year) we had an "extra day" and decided to head to Kansas City, MO. The trip through the Ozarks up to KC was breathtaking. We made a few stops (Geo. Washington Carver National Monument, Precious Moments, some cave (closed) ) along the way. Upon reaching KC we ventured to Winstead's for some great burgers...I had learned about these burgers on my first visit to KC in November. In KC we also experienced some nightlife in Country Club Plaza at a place called Tom Foolery's or something like that. We also visited Union Station, Crown Center and the KC Zoo. Loads of fun all around! We then traveled to the Hays, KS area to visit more family. During the few days there we went to a county fair, watched a monster truck rally, ate funnel cakes and bierocks and caught up with family, laundry and sleep. Now Jenn and I are staying at the homes of our parents (some 20 miles of city and suburbia between us). I am a little too tired to talk more about my observations of these places and some general thoughts over the last week or so. I have decided to start up a new blog...or at least new title and layout...but that will take sometime seeing as these next couple days will be the only time I can use a computer for the next couple weeks.

    So I don't forget...some of the CD's we listened to so far: Barenaked Ladies - Greatest Hits Disc One (yeah, ultimate road trip band...I cannot say it enough), Sister Hazel - Chasing Daylight (best CD I've heard in a long long time), Jewel - 0304 (We both really like the new CD...she makes some great statements on this one), Switchfoot - Beautiful Letdown (cannot say enough good things about this bad boy), A Walk to Remember Soundtrak (loads of memories already...this trip just adds more), Dixie Chicks - Wide Open Spaces (as we drove through Texas...sort of an homage to them and their exercise of Free Speech), Red Hot Compilation (who knew a found for free compilation would hold so many cheesy 80's love songs?) ....

    As for now that is all. :-)

    Friday, July 11, 2003

    This will be my last post for about a week. I am headed to Arkansas with Jenn to find an apartment. We will also be hitting up Tulsa, OK , Hays, KS and Denver, CO.

    2004 Presidential Race

    I thought I'd leave with a little bit of politics:

    From Yahoo! News: Some Moderate Democrats Could Like Dean

    From MSN News: Democrats uniting behind criticism of Bush on Iraq

    At this point in my life I hesitate to identify with any of the 5 significant political parties (Democrats, Republicans, Reform, Libertarians, Greens). I am a registered Democrat…this I will admit. However, I don't always agree with them, nor do I always agree with any of the parties. I guess you could say I am a moderate, but I am opposed to Capital Punishment, I support a war on drugs (not the current one mind you), I support gun rights (to an extent…I don't need an AK to hunt geese), I did not support the war in Iraq, but I did support the use of force in Afghanistan. So whatever that makes me…I don't know…but that is of course the tip of iceberg when it comes to my political beliefs.

    Currently I support Howard Dean in the 2004 Presidential Race. I do not believe he is as "liberal" as everyone says. I am ok with this. I do not agree with him on everything, but I am okay with that. I like the man. I think he is as honest as any of the candidates, I like him because he takes stands when others are afraid. I consider him closer to Teddy Roosevelt than the other candidates. (There are only a few politicians who I give this compliment to…they include Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), CO State Rep Mark Larson (R-Cortez), Fmr. CO State Sen. Mike Feeley (D-Lakewood) there are a few others…but anyway).

    What is really interesting is that both of these articles talk about the Democrats moving closer to Dean (in regards to positions). This is what I love about politics. Dean may not get the nod from the Dems, but he will at least move some of the candidates towards the position of (what some say) the majority of the American People. This is how politics should be. I love good ole' fashion American Populism…the kind that we had at the end of the 19th and beginning of the 20th century. Williams Jennings Bryan never became president, but he did put a lot of issues affecting the American People in the limelight. If anything Howard Dean is doing just that, just as John McCain did during his run. These two people may never be destined for President, but at least they are taking some of the American Peoples thoughts to Washington. After all isn't that what ALL of our Representatives should be doing?

    In other news

    I pray that God will keep us safe on this trip and I pray that God will assist me in my struggles with Faith as of recent. I am thankful I am not blind in Faith, but boy is it hard to see and be curious.

    "The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates (or So-Crates to us kids born in the 80's).

    See you in a week or so!

    Wednesday, July 09, 2003

    I miss life as a grade schooler...summer vacation, koolaid, tuna fish sandwhiches and the slip n' slide. If only my responsibilities could go away for a day and I could be taken back to that world. I can only hope that as a parent I will make sure that my kids enjoy the heck out of their summers. I know my parents helped my brother and I. It only seems like yesterday we where running the big wheels through the big wheel carwash and waiting around for the ice cream truck.

    I can smell the hot air, the asphalt and the wet clothes. I can see the trees on my street, how green and alive they are. I can hear the laughter of my friends as they pedal as hard as they can while driving the big wheel over the slip n' slide. I cannot remember what I thought about back then. I know it had nothing to do with the problems of the world, my faith in God, my life decisions or what is wrong with my car. I had a vivid imagination. I was probably thinking that I was going to be whisked off into the land of Narnia that night and ride on the back of Aslan for many years to come. Or I thought that I could build a fort out of pillows and sheets and I would be living in castle. I wish I could get these thoughts back in my head and not have to contend with logic, if only for an hour.

    I hope that kids in this day and age have the freedom to dream. I hope that the techno world and "live war" have not taken away their imaginations. I hope that as I drive through the residential areas of this country I see kids playing outside. I hope I see them laughing and screaming because they have nothing on their minds but what they are doing. I do not want to go back to the good ole days. I just want the kids today to have the freedom from fear...if only for a while.

    Call me a crazy idealist...or call me something else...but I still want to dream.

    Tuesday, July 08, 2003

    Self Doubt

    I sort of got the idea for this entry from Liz at Take This Step. I can completely understand her questioning her major. I questioned mine all the time. I (unlike most) never changed it. That is not to say that I would not given the opportunity again. I wish that my parents would have had less say in my questioning, but I would imagine that they are a reason I never changed it (at the time it was a good thing). The lack of changing my major helped me get through in four years. However, I envy Liz because she is only doubting after a year of college. I've been there done that. I thought I had my whole life mapped out in college. I was going to be a public interest lawyer and I had been preparing for Law School. Hmmm...what happened to that?

    Sometimes I wish I could clear my mind of all thoughts. At least maybe for a few minutes a day. I feel as if my mind races a thousand miles a minute. It is a water faucet that I cannot turn off. Because of this I often think about my future. I think about what I am going to do the next day, what I am going to do the next week and what I am going to do in the next 5 years. Most recently I've been contemplating my decision to go to Graduate School. I leave for Arkansas in less than a month. I am excited to start school again. I am excited to begin work in a field I know I love (Student Affairs - Higher Education). I am excited for the change of location and culture. But, I still have doubts. I do not want to leave Jenn here, without me. We are not "taking time off" from the relationship, we are going to maintain a long distance relationship. I question whether or not this is the right thing to do. I don't want to miss what could happen if I stayed here. Here is the paradox of sorts. I believe that things happen for a reason. If this is true there is a greater reason for me leaving. But, what if that belief is a bunch of hooey? Also, there is a new opportunity to start a church for young people here. This is something that I could put my passion and time into. It could be an incredible experience - a time in my life when I can work strictly for God. What I do not have if I stay here is the means. I need a job, I need money, I need a place to live.

    I find it hard to pray about this. I do not feel that I am worthy of God letting me know what he wants me to do. I'd rather He look after those who are less fortunate. It is a stupid reason, but it is a reason nonetheless. This is the first I've written about this. I do not really feel like talking about it, because I know that the decision is mine. But, that does not stop me from hoping for an answer, an answer that comes from somewhere besides myself. It is coming to the crunch time...

    Sunday, July 06, 2003

    Comings and Goings

    On Friday I met with a Joe, a church planter from Georgia. He is looking to start a church for the college age crowd here in Durango. He has some great ideas for the church, and I hope and pray that it will be a light for many of the "younger crowd" in the area who don't feel that they fit with either the campus groups or the churches in town. I think that my generation really needs a more open place to discuss faith. Not a place that seems old and dusty nor a place that wants to push dogma as opposed to discussion. I am bummed that I will not be here for this great experience. But I pray that Joe finds a dedicated group to create this dynamic group. Until then, I will help as much as I can.

    Rodeo time

    Last night Jenn, E and I visited the local pro-rodeo and bbq. All I can say is what a great time. I am city boy, that is true, but I've been to a few rodeos before (although none this small...I used to go to the National Western Stock Show in Denver every year). Jenn and E have been to a few more living in more rural areas...but anyway...this was such a great time. The competition seemed to be great, the folks at the rodeo where very nice to the three "youngins" who were not dressed as cowboys. I am a little disappointed the the town does not support the rodeo very much. The town has its roots in railroad and agriculture...however these things have been quickly replaced by the mountain bike and the snowboard. I like tradition, and this is one tradition I hope does not die soon in Durango or any other community that holds these events.

    ** on a different note...I put up a Guestmap. If you like what you see here show me where you are from :-) **

    Wednesday, July 02, 2003

    From the Durango Herald: City Council Opposes Patriot Act.

    I'll admit it. I am a little worried about the impact of the Patriot Act on our civil liberties. I do not like the federal government having that much power over its citizens. However, I think that it is ridiculous for a my city council to pass a resolution against the Patriot Act. Whether they agree with it or not has no importance to me. We did not vote for them because of "national issues". We voted for them so they would increase the availability of affordable housing, help create jobs, better the Campus/Town relationship, protect our open spaces etc... I think that if we have a problem with the Patriot Act we should take that to Congress. We should get rid of our Congressmen and Congresswomen who voted for it. For our representative democracy to work (as Dr. Ken Dolbeare said in class) "we must think locally and act globally", not think locally act locally. I think this is another instance where the council and some of the citizens of Durango view the town as its own independent little free loving entity in a big ol' world.

    Tuesday, July 01, 2003

    Two Years

    As of yesterday Jenn and I have been dating for two years. It has been an incredible two years both inside and outside of our relationship. This has been my first "serious" and long-term relationship. I have learned so much about myself, Jenn and people in general. For that I will be forever greatful. Jenn has taught me many things and I know I am a better person for it. There have been rough times and things that have been challenging, but nothing has been too hard to overcome. I don't know if God has put Jenn into my life for the long haul, but at this time I sure hope so.

    Sunday, June 29, 2003

    From Yahoo! NewsFrist Endorses Idea of Gay Marriage Ban

    This is one of the few times I have been completely ashamed of one my State's Congressional Representatives. Rep. Musgrave (R-CO) has proposed a Constitutional Amendment Banning Same Sex Marriages. I have a few questions regarding this issue. My first question is: Why does there have to be a Constitutional Amendment regulating marriage? My second question is: If two homosexuals get married two thousand miles away, does it really affect us as individuals? And my final question: why has America digressed so far as to want to make an Amendment to the Constitution restricting human rights?

    So maybe I am slow, but since when has the Amendments to the Constitution been a place to legislate morality? I am a firm believer in a set right and wrong. The idea of moral relativism frightens me at times. So I don’t say this a “relativist”. But I do not believe that a group of 535 people in Washington D.C. should tell me that same sex marriage is a threat to my liberty. I know a threat to my liberty when I see one. The U.S. Congress should let the American People decide that issue by themselves.

    I am fired up about this issue and after a few days of working in the sun I may not be thinking straight…but when I read the Bible I know Jesus as a person who loves all of His Father’s Creations. I know Jesus as a person who hates hypocrisy. I know Jesus as a person who “hangs out” with “wrong people”. I know Jesus as the most compassionate person to ever step foot on this Earth. I do not know Jesus as a person who judges on appearance. I do not know Jesus as a person who only wants to help out a few. Because of this I can only see that I must Love others, even those who are different from me.

    I hope that if this proposed Amendment comes to a vote that our representatives will see both the legal and moral implications of this Amendment and vote it down.
    I am so glad the weekend is over. It was a good weekend, but I spent from 330pm Friday until 8pm Sunday helping Jenn and her roommate move. For most of the time it was the three of us or just Jenn and I so it was a very long process. However, it was nice because I got to spend a lot of time with Jenn and sometimes it just feels good to do physical labor.

    On Friday I spoke with a person I went to h.s. with and have not talked to for over two years. It was good to "catch up" with him because we were pretty good friends. While talking we both came to the conclusion that H.S. is pretty worthless for some people. For both of us it was a time for ridicule, isolation, and akwardness. Yes, this is part of high school. I completely understand that. I don't blame anyone for what happened. But, I do think that there is a fundamental change that needs to take place in high schools across America. I am in no way qualified to determine what this change is, but I was a student in a "typical suburban high school" for four years, and I know there are other high school graduates out there who also feel the same way. I think this makes us all qualified to know that a change is needed. American high schools do need to break down the barriers between "jocks" and everyone else. They need to break down the barriers between the AP or IB kids and everyone else. HS is just like the US on a smaller level. HS portrays and creates a class system. There are those who are "better" and those who are "worse". If there is one thing an educational institution that recieves money from the taxpayers should not being doing, it is creating those class distinctions.

    I hope that one day I can be in a position to help change this problem.

    Had to just get that off my chest. That is all.

    Thursday, June 26, 2003


    I am too cynical. I have always thought of myself as a pretty positive person, but lately this has not been the case. I know part of it has to do with my feelings of the town in which I live. It is a tourist town and an outdoorsperson town. There is really not a whole lot for me to do here. This town is also pretty "uppity". I have lived here for five years and I have had enough! There will always be things about the town that I will love and there will always be memories, but I have to go. I think my cynicism also has to do with my age. Many of my friends have also become increasingly cynical in the last two years or so. We, as an age group are either in or about to enter the worst job market in 20 years. However, I really think there are hundreds of possible factors, but regardless this cynicism is something that I want to rid myself of.

    Growing Up

    I hate getting older. I know I am still "young", but in my opinion I do not feel young enough. Do not get me wrong, I love having the freedoms I do at the age of 23, but I miss many of the things that occurred when I was younger. I miss recess, lunchtime, naptime, part-time jobs (as the only job), hanging out while avoiding homework, running into friends while walking across campus, etc. Looking back now, a year after I graduated from college, I wonder where all that time went. Maybe I feel this way because I am in the "real world" or because many of the people of my childhood are now gone (dead or moved). Or maybe it is because I fear death and each day I get closer to it. I know that I cannot halt the process of death, or the process of aging. However, this understanding will not stop me from having the childlike moments that complete my life. I refuse to stop being curious about my faith and the world around me. I will continue to jump in puddles and throw snowballs. I will continue to enjoy the feeling I get on Halloween. I will not stop reading children's books. I feel these things are too important to let go. I want to be serious, but I also want to have fun, innocent fun. Above all, I cannot let the world around me get the best of me. I hope and pray to God that He will allow the child in me to live forever because I cannot live forever in this world as a child.

    Sunday, June 22, 2003

    Individual Choice

    “I believe that an individual should have a greater responsibility to the rest of their society. If an individual forgets their society, they also forget about love, about the ways that love is based on relationships. The individual, if they want to be at peace with the world around them, needs to make the choice to try to see the world through another's eyes. Still, this is a decision made on the part of the individual for the sake of the meaning that is produced by the greater, complete Whole …The individual needs to take responsibility for their good and evil actions. The individual take responsibility for their passive or dynamic movements within and without a society. The individual is the building block for all spiritual and social life. The individual still has responsibility to all the other people and the world that they come in contact with, or anywhere where they exercise any sort of authority.” – Tubbs at Jazz Daddy’s Journal

    Wow…I think Tubbs hits the nail on the head with this entry. I think that a problem with many of the more fundamentalist churches (at least the ones I have encountered) is that they tend not to emphasize the individual whether in regards to responsibility or the individual’s relationship with Christ. Now I do not think that is exactly what Tubbs is saying, but I think he makes a strong point for respecting the idea of being an individual in general, that the individual has a choice to make about their role in society. This is why I believe God gave us all free will. He is allowing us to make the choice. The options are many, but when it boils right down to it, it is our choice. I think this individual distinction gets lost in the day- to-day hustle and bustle of things.

    Anyway… a big thanks to both Tubbs and Liz for the link. I would highly recommend reading their individual pages. They both are writers to be admired as well.

    Ok…back to reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix with the rest of the world…but you will find no opening of that can of worms here. ;-P

    Thursday, June 19, 2003

    Quick thought...Why don't people start talking about This being the downfall of the family as opposed to homosexuals? I really think that crap like "Paradise Hotel" is the real downfall. Just because its brought to us by the same people that pay Bill O'Reilly and friends does not mean that we can just let this one slide. Where are the Senate hearings on soft-core tv shows? Or do the networks pay off our government so much that we have to deal with this stuff?

    What is more harmful...showing kids what "hooking up is all about" or the existence of individuals who are not straight?

    That is all.

    **edited 6/20** To clarify, I do not believe in any way that homosexuals are the downfall of the family. I don't believe they are the downfall of anything. God created all humans, God loves all humans. Who am I to disagree?

    Monday, June 16, 2003

    This past weekend I got a lot of much needed rest. With this rest came a viewing of Finding Nemo. I highy recommend this movie, especially if you enjoyed Monster's Inc. After the movie was over Jenn (who has had a lot of experience with parents of college students) said that she would like every parent of a new college student to watch this movie. I think that parents of new college students have to learn that it is "okay" to let go of their student. This movie would definetely put that idea in their heads.

    Wednesday, June 11, 2003

    I just stumbled across this. I am not much for Alternet.org, but if this really is true President Bush could have a problem. However, the Democrats in Congress do not really have the guts to challenge the President. Maybe there is a Republican interested in finding out the truth. "Paging Senator Orrin Hatch" Oh wait...Orrin and George.

    From AlterNet.org an article by John Dean, The Case for Impeachment.
    Why Blogging is Like High School

    Here are a few reasons I came up with (keep in mind these are not absolutes):
  • You are either cool or you are not. The popular kids decide who is in which group.
  • The popular kids are usually those who have been here the longest or who have known eachother the longest.
  • Looks are worth more than content.
  • People are divided into cliques.

    This is not to say that I feel the same way about blogging as I did h.s. (ahem...I disliked it). Nor does it mean I have a problem with anyone who blogs. But after spending a few months in the blog world I thought I'd make some general observations. Feel free to agree, disagree or send me more of your own observations.
  • Tuesday, June 03, 2003

    I love being outside in the early morning. I am not a morning person...not by any means. But, there is just something about late spring/early summer mornings that makes me feel alive. The smells, the warm air, the birds chirping, the rustling of the leaves on the trees. It all makes me really know that there is a God. I believe it was on a day like to day around 5 years ago that I really started to believe that there was a God who made this world and who made me. It makes me wonder about how there are some theories that say that chaos and random events created our world. I don't see how this type of beauty can be created by chaos and randomness. However...I too once believed those theories.

    Monday, June 02, 2003

    I am young, but I still can get tired. These last two weeks have been very evident of that. I've been busy, I've been sleeping less than I typically do...and I have been dealing with some issues that I'd rather not deal with. I am trying to see these obstacles as a test of faith. Right now that is the only way I want to view them. Sometimes in my life there is just too much going on. This is just one of those times. But unlike other times in my life when this happend I want to keep writing. Many times it seems that writing is the only thing that can calm me down.

    Friday, May 30, 2003

    I've been doing a lot of blog reading lately and I began thinking about how great it is that there are dozens of people writing about similiar issues, but their conclusions can be completely different. I know that to a certain extent that is the point of blogs and to a lesser extent the point of the internet. However, just being able to actually see it being applied is fantastic. Anyway...I have a lot to say but it is late...I will continue later.

    Friday, May 23, 2003

    "Is it fair that Pluto has to wear a leash and sleep in a doghouse while Goofy, who is also a dog, gets to drive around in a car and play golf with Mickey?" - Louis Stevens Even Stevens

    One of life's most confusing questions.

    For fellow fans who like to remember the "good ole' days" of Pete and Pete here is a great website to visit The Adventures of Pete and Pete

    Sunday, May 18, 2003

    I am now only a few days away from my 23rd birthday. I always thought that 21 was far away when I was in High School. I don't think I ever thought about being 23. It is a little worriesome that I am only eligible to be on MTV's The Real World for another year (not that I would ever be on it...see I have a theory...nevermind). Anyway... I know I am not "old". I would never say that. But, I am in a wierd place. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood. I've graduated from College...and worked a year...but I am not really any closer to my career than I was 5 years ago. It is nothing to be saddened about, but it is just an observation I've been dwelling on for a while. I do not consider myself an adult just yet. I am not wholly financially independent, I still watch cartoon's and "kid tv shows" (if you have never seen any of the following, I would highly suggest watching them: Rocket Power and Wild Thornberrys on NICK and Even Stevens on the Disney Channel), I read the Harry Potter Books and I still dream of being in an episode of the "classic" Nick show "The Adventures of Pete and Pete". On the other hand I have bills to pay, I have a job to be responsible for, I have a serious relationship to maintain, and I enjoy a good beer and a nice cigar every so often. Maybe it is a good thing that I don't see myself as an adult just yet.

    Maybe I should stop rambling on.

    Sunday, May 11, 2003

    As I sat somewhere between Hesperus and Mancos Colorado overlooking the breathtaking La Plata's and the green trees and the greener valleys where cattle are grazing, I sat and thought. I thought about life. I thought about God. I thought about the future and the past. While looking out into the wide open space I know that there is a God. I know that He cares about what goes on in this world. However, at the same time I feel that I need Him right now. My life is getting ready to change drastically and I know that He can help get me through. Because I know that He will be the one that will be right beside me through the changes. I do not have to worry about that, but I am still scared. I do not want to leave the things that I have known for the last five years. I do not want to leave my friends, even though some of them are leaving. I do not want to leave behind my g/f who needs to leave this town almost as much as I do. I cannot stop change. I cannot deny change. And knowing that I will always have God with me makes it easier, makes it bearable. I know it could be much worse. What will happen will happen. I can fight it, or I can have faith and go with God through it.

    (Faith may not be something that I can openly talk about. However, I feel a lot better writing it here. Yeah, its personal, but I believe that I am not the only one that struggles with faith. It's always comforting to know that we are not alone)

    Thursday, May 08, 2003

    Is wanting to have children in this day and age selfish? This was an accusation made by a classmate in a class that Jenn is taking. I guess I do not really understand what is selfish about it. Yes, it could be called selfish to want to give children what my parents gave me. But it is equally selfish to want to live a life without roots, responsibilities and cares. Anyway...

    Tuesday, May 06, 2003

    A little background on the following text: I graduated from college a little over a year ago. I stayed in the town I went to college in so I could "regain my focus" and so I could be around my girlfriend and my friends (all my good friends from the school were either still in school or working at the school). This past weekend many of these friends graduated from this college. Many of them are leaving, and I may be leaving too. After feeling a slight sense of dread for this change I wrote the following words.

    I am saddened by the change. The realization that I can never go back; the dread and fear of loss, the fear of rejection, the fear of pain. And overall the intense pang of regret. I wish I could stop time - I wish I could slow time - I wish I could go back, just for a while. I know I need to move on. I know we all need to move on. We all cannot go together - I wish we could. But life cannot be the same - never changing, standing still - but sometimes I wish it would, If only for a moment.

    Thursday, May 01, 2003

    "Courage, then, my countrymen; our contest is not only whether we ourselves shall be free, but whether there shall be left to mankind an asylum on earth for civil and religious liberty". -Samuel Adams On American Independence

    I love America, I would not want to live anywhere else, I consider myself very patriotic, but I believe that being a true patriot is questioning the actions of our government. It is a government for the people and by the people. I think this whole ordeal with the Dixie Chicks is being blown completely out of proportion. I am not a Dixie Chicks fan; although due to my girlfriend being a fan I do listen to them on occasion. But anyway, I do not know why it is so "wrong" to criticize our President right now. As Americans we do have the right to free speech, the First Amendment to our Constitution does say, "Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press;" Yes, the Dixie Chicks were not in the U.S. at the time, but that is not the point. The fact that they are being ostracized over what they said, that is down right obscene. I had the same feelings when fellow country music artist Toby Keith was getting slammed for his song "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (Angry American)". We can have sex on TV, the exploitation of women in magazines and music, and hateful words said by our country's leaders about sexual orientation, yet we cannot question the actions of our government, you know, the one that WE VOTED FOR and the one that WE PAY TAXES TO. We have the right to tell the Dixie Chicks, or anyone for that matter that we disagree. But when it comes to threatening those people, or their families that is when we need to realize what is truly important.

    Meaningful quote for the day
    Re-crucifying Christ
    Johann Christoph Arnold

    Refusing to forgive is tantamount to re-crucifying
    Christ. Instead of seeing stones rolled away,
    we throw stones at each other. What so many
    people today fail to realize is that forgiveness is
    a door to peace and happiness. Forgiving is
    not ignoring wrongdoing, but overcoming the
    evil inside us and in our world with love. To
    forgive is not just a command of Christ but the
    key to reconciling all that is broken in our lives
    and relationships.

    Wednesday, April 30, 2003

    So much to write, so little time to make my thoughts into coherent thoughts.

    What is it about the past that can get us so worked up? I sometimes wonder if anyone has regrets or doubts about the past. I do not know if anyone looks back and says I should have done that, I should not have done this. I believe that I am not the only one, but that does not make it any easier. I am very happy where I am (for the most part). I do not really think that changing something that I did in high school or college would really have an impact on my life now. I can see that my regret is a big obstacle to my faith. I should not regret because the past is the way it is for a reason. The things that happened (or did not happen) did so for a reason, a reason that I may only come to understand years down the road. And in all honesty if I don't understand the reason, so be it, just knowing that God has a reason for these things should be enough for me. Much easier said than done.

    I went and saw Holes last night with my g/f (Jenn) and her roommate. I did not read the book, but the movie was fantastic. It had a good moral to the story, the acting was great, it was funny yet serious, and it made me feel good after it was over. Definetely the kind of movie that I love to see. It is not just a kids movie. Not by any means.

    It has been a year since I graduated college. Very scary to think about. But it also helps me to understand that college was not the be all and end all of life. It was just a chapter in what I hope is a very lively life.

    Friday, April 25, 2003

    Relationships are tough. I guess if they were not it would be a different world. It is especially tough when you do not always know where you stand. And there are so many variables, so many little things that can make an impact. Anyway...any man that can understand his wife/girlfriend is a genius...

    Tuesday, April 22, 2003

    From the Chicago Sun-Times U.S. Justices to revisit 'Miranda' rights.

    I completely understand that some people who are arrested may be aware of their rights, but that is not the case for everyone. It may have not been the best idea in to require police officers to read rights to the person that they are arresting, but I think in a society where we should be striving for justice it is something that we should probably maintain.

    Monday, April 21, 2003

    Life in general can be so hectic. There are always so many questions and not enough answers. There are too many labels, too many distractions, too many temptations and too many emotions. It is impossible to even think that we can handle this world at all times. I cannot speak for anyone but myself when I say that my life spins out of control more often than I want it. It seems that every time I want to make my life better, it somehow gets worse. Every time I try to correct an error that I see, something bigger happens every time I mend a broken relationship, another one is falling apart. Just when it seems that I have overcome whatever I am worrying about, a new worry comes into my life. How can we honestly be expected to handle this?

    I think much of the time we in our lives is spent on ways to handle these situations. And in every regard the way we handle these situations is life itself, but then why is it that we see other people who seem to be free of all these troubles. Are they really good liars, or are the truly free from worry?

    This is something I have pondered at many times in my life. There have been many times in my life when things seem to be going well and then all of a sudden *boom* something else happens that I have to deal with. I have spent many longer hours in a depressive state. I have searched my soul, my brain and my heart for the reasons that things like this happen. I have tried to reason out why I do not have this and do not have that. In the end I am no better off than when I began except for a really bad headache, bloodshot eyes, and a hungry stomach.

    I have spent the last few weeks pondering my future. I have also spent the last few weeks working on a few of the relationships that I have either let slip or have gotten away from me. I have been procrastinating make important decisions in my life, I have been angry with people I should not be angry with. I have been frustrated with people I love when I should just forgive them. I have failed to communicate when I know communication would alleviate some of the problem. But nonetheless I fail to do these things because I am too caught up with these things in my head and I do not give myself a chance to work out the problems in the "real world".

    In the end I do not know if I am really better off going this way or that. It is if I am standing on the side of road looking at the fork, but not willing to take either path. I do not know if it is fear of failure, fear of the future, fear of change or something else. I do know that if I stand here and look at the paths forever, nothing will happen, no joy, no sorrow, no success and no failure. I do not think I can live a false life.