Thursday, June 26, 2003


I am too cynical. I have always thought of myself as a pretty positive person, but lately this has not been the case. I know part of it has to do with my feelings of the town in which I live. It is a tourist town and an outdoorsperson town. There is really not a whole lot for me to do here. This town is also pretty "uppity". I have lived here for five years and I have had enough! There will always be things about the town that I will love and there will always be memories, but I have to go. I think my cynicism also has to do with my age. Many of my friends have also become increasingly cynical in the last two years or so. We, as an age group are either in or about to enter the worst job market in 20 years. However, I really think there are hundreds of possible factors, but regardless this cynicism is something that I want to rid myself of.

Growing Up

I hate getting older. I know I am still "young", but in my opinion I do not feel young enough. Do not get me wrong, I love having the freedoms I do at the age of 23, but I miss many of the things that occurred when I was younger. I miss recess, lunchtime, naptime, part-time jobs (as the only job), hanging out while avoiding homework, running into friends while walking across campus, etc. Looking back now, a year after I graduated from college, I wonder where all that time went. Maybe I feel this way because I am in the "real world" or because many of the people of my childhood are now gone (dead or moved). Or maybe it is because I fear death and each day I get closer to it. I know that I cannot halt the process of death, or the process of aging. However, this understanding will not stop me from having the childlike moments that complete my life. I refuse to stop being curious about my faith and the world around me. I will continue to jump in puddles and throw snowballs. I will continue to enjoy the feeling I get on Halloween. I will not stop reading children's books. I feel these things are too important to let go. I want to be serious, but I also want to have fun, innocent fun. Above all, I cannot let the world around me get the best of me. I hope and pray to God that He will allow the child in me to live forever because I cannot live forever in this world as a child.

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