Tuesday, July 08, 2003

Self Doubt

I sort of got the idea for this entry from Liz at Take This Step. I can completely understand her questioning her major. I questioned mine all the time. I (unlike most) never changed it. That is not to say that I would not given the opportunity again. I wish that my parents would have had less say in my questioning, but I would imagine that they are a reason I never changed it (at the time it was a good thing). The lack of changing my major helped me get through in four years. However, I envy Liz because she is only doubting after a year of college. I've been there done that. I thought I had my whole life mapped out in college. I was going to be a public interest lawyer and I had been preparing for Law School. Hmmm...what happened to that?

Sometimes I wish I could clear my mind of all thoughts. At least maybe for a few minutes a day. I feel as if my mind races a thousand miles a minute. It is a water faucet that I cannot turn off. Because of this I often think about my future. I think about what I am going to do the next day, what I am going to do the next week and what I am going to do in the next 5 years. Most recently I've been contemplating my decision to go to Graduate School. I leave for Arkansas in less than a month. I am excited to start school again. I am excited to begin work in a field I know I love (Student Affairs - Higher Education). I am excited for the change of location and culture. But, I still have doubts. I do not want to leave Jenn here, without me. We are not "taking time off" from the relationship, we are going to maintain a long distance relationship. I question whether or not this is the right thing to do. I don't want to miss what could happen if I stayed here. Here is the paradox of sorts. I believe that things happen for a reason. If this is true there is a greater reason for me leaving. But, what if that belief is a bunch of hooey? Also, there is a new opportunity to start a church for young people here. This is something that I could put my passion and time into. It could be an incredible experience - a time in my life when I can work strictly for God. What I do not have if I stay here is the means. I need a job, I need money, I need a place to live.

I find it hard to pray about this. I do not feel that I am worthy of God letting me know what he wants me to do. I'd rather He look after those who are less fortunate. It is a stupid reason, but it is a reason nonetheless. This is the first I've written about this. I do not really feel like talking about it, because I know that the decision is mine. But, that does not stop me from hoping for an answer, an answer that comes from somewhere besides myself. It is coming to the crunch time...

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