Monday, April 21, 2003

Life in general can be so hectic. There are always so many questions and not enough answers. There are too many labels, too many distractions, too many temptations and too many emotions. It is impossible to even think that we can handle this world at all times. I cannot speak for anyone but myself when I say that my life spins out of control more often than I want it. It seems that every time I want to make my life better, it somehow gets worse. Every time I try to correct an error that I see, something bigger happens every time I mend a broken relationship, another one is falling apart. Just when it seems that I have overcome whatever I am worrying about, a new worry comes into my life. How can we honestly be expected to handle this?

I think much of the time we in our lives is spent on ways to handle these situations. And in every regard the way we handle these situations is life itself, but then why is it that we see other people who seem to be free of all these troubles. Are they really good liars, or are the truly free from worry?

This is something I have pondered at many times in my life. There have been many times in my life when things seem to be going well and then all of a sudden *boom* something else happens that I have to deal with. I have spent many longer hours in a depressive state. I have searched my soul, my brain and my heart for the reasons that things like this happen. I have tried to reason out why I do not have this and do not have that. In the end I am no better off than when I began except for a really bad headache, bloodshot eyes, and a hungry stomach.

I have spent the last few weeks pondering my future. I have also spent the last few weeks working on a few of the relationships that I have either let slip or have gotten away from me. I have been procrastinating make important decisions in my life, I have been angry with people I should not be angry with. I have been frustrated with people I love when I should just forgive them. I have failed to communicate when I know communication would alleviate some of the problem. But nonetheless I fail to do these things because I am too caught up with these things in my head and I do not give myself a chance to work out the problems in the "real world".

In the end I do not know if I am really better off going this way or that. It is if I am standing on the side of road looking at the fork, but not willing to take either path. I do not know if it is fear of failure, fear of the future, fear of change or something else. I do know that if I stand here and look at the paths forever, nothing will happen, no joy, no sorrow, no success and no failure. I do not think I can live a false life.

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